My journey has been a crazy one over the years. One that was filled with some ups and a ton, ton, ton of downs. I’ve had downs that took me to very, very dark places. Places where I’ve wanted to give up and end my own life. There have been many a time where I have tried to do just that. I’m not proud of those moments but I do not regret them for they are a part of my story. They were very dark times. Those times have taught me a lot and shown me that I had a lot of strength within me that I didn’t even know I had. I learned I had even more in me when I set out on taking a weekly adventure for a whole year. It has not been an easy journey. I have struggled a lot. More than I would care to admit. I am not perfect and I have many flaws and faults.
During the past couple of months I have done lots of healing on myself. Taking down the walls I put up to keep myself safe and opening up more to others and my abilities. Doing all of that I have come to realize just how wounded I was. Just how shut down I was. How hurt I was and how depressed I had been for a long time now. How I had basically shut down myself so I would no longer be hurt. It become too much on my empathic self that I closed down the world so the world would not hurt me anymore.
The old me wants to just run away from it all. Shut down and push people away and out of my life. I had spent my whole life being alone and isolated from my anxiety that I am so used to being alone and taking care of my self on my own. Or at least faking it for as long as I could. Yet that is not the person I want to be anymore. That life sucks. Point blank. As much as we like being alone and on our own. It is a heavy burden to carry. We are social people and we need that connection from others. So instead of doing that, shutting down, I will work through it all. As much as I can and as much as I can handle.
They say it’s best to get it out of us and off our chests so I will use this blog as an outlet to vent, to ramble, and to just share whatever it is that I am thinking or feeling at the time. There is 37 years of crazy, shut down stuff in there, and it’s time I get it out of me and let go.
Losing friends and people you think you are in love with does a lot more on a person than you ever realized. At least it did for me. I am thankful now that I have those in my life that love me and want me to be happy and are there for me. It’s a new thing to have those kind of people in my life. I am so thankful for that. So thankful for them.
I just pray that I don’t push them away like I’ve pushed away so many else in my life.