Month: May 2017
This popped up on my timeline today, I wrote it a year ago.
“Just about a year ago, I was in a terrible place in my life. I was unhealthy, out of shape, in a lot of pain emotionally and physcially. I was in a very, very dark place in my life… I then decided to do something about it. Turn my life around. No one was going to do it for me. So I cleaned up my eating, and started running. Within a short amount of time things were changing and improving for me. I was becoming more than I could ever imagine. Within that time I dropped 70 pounds and got into the best shape in my life, I am feeling happy, healthy, and so much light. I am truly, for the first time in my life. Happy. I genuinly am happy to my very core, and I look forward with much optimism to the future and all that it will bring. I don’t wear tank tops, never have. It was not easy sharing a pic of one, even if I do look good. Na na na na na… Batman.”
It’s hard to believe the guy in the left is the same as the guy in the right and that that guy was me at one point in my life. Two years ago I sent out to change my life for the better. I never thought I would get to where I am today. Since I started that journey I have been to the Poconos, twice, to a Washington D.C., to Gettysburg and there is so many more adventures in there. I never could have fathomed being able to do any of that. Yet I am proud to say I have done that and so much more.
I have seen and done so many things, and met so many people over the course of that two years. I am blessed and thankful for it all. I’ve seen first hand what fear can do to us and our lives and I know for us to get through the fear we have to walk through it. We can pray for all the strength in the world by only we can act upon the opportunities presented to us. Only we can act courageous in the face of fear. Many will supposed and encourage us but it’s up to us to act. Not everyone will understand our new journeys because they only knew us as the old us. Yet we become something so much more.
My journey has shown me that if I can do it anyone can do it. Two years ago I set off on an epic journey to change my world and I am so glad to have done so. I look forward to where I will go tomorrow.
That pic was a year ago, I have lost even more weight and finally am at a place where I love the way I look, and don’t hate to have picture taken.
Here is what I look like today.
I’m creating a life I am proud of an can look back upon and smile. It’s not been easy and has challenged me in many ways. I know how eat it can be to just want to give up and run away. How the depression dark thoughts I have fought can still have a tendency to creep up on me and want to consume me. But I keep my head up, and keep the energy going, and keep moving forward to better things. And this time, the depression doesn’t win. It didn’t have power over me anymore. I don’t give it any. I don’t give in to it.
I live life.
Back in 2016 I set off on what I like to call, an epic adventure. I explored the world and life for what felt like the first time. And I had fun in the process. This journey surprised me in so many ways. I learned about myself, met so many people, and did many things for the first time. My journey is only just beginning and I look forward to where it will take me in the future.
I have not stopped exploring the world. I continue to visit and do new things and see new places. This past weekend was. I exception. Where I would go off to Gettysburg, for a psychic event, that I would be a vendor at, offering chair Reiki. It was cold. The day before it was 90, then the next day, it dropped to six. So there was not many people in attendance. Sadly, I got no sign ups for Reiki. Which, I won’t lie, was a little disappointing. Hopefully not a trend of things to come in the future. This was the third event of the year that I have been a vendor at. I would have never believed it to be so.
Then on the last day there, I did some exploring of the Battlegrounds. Let me tell you, they are breathtaking and overwhelming, to see so much history all at once. To just be in the spot where a major, and bloody, battle took place. As a sensitive person, empath, I can feel the emotions and energies of the environment and the people. You could feel at times the energy that was still there. The heaviness and the pain. The sadness. Luckily, I did not feel too much, as it could easily have been overbearing.
There was so many paths and things to see that I did not get to see it all. I did get to capture an evp, of a disembodied voice, answering a question I asked, and saying no, which was pretty cool. Which can be heard, here.
Hopefully I can get out there again and explore some more. To be able to drive out there, have some fun, and not be worried about anxiety and fear, is an amazing thing. I also had to check it Sheetz, while I was out there. Where I live we have WaWa, so had to see this other place. They are very similar, but think WaWa has more variety to it.
I look forward to my next adventure and vacation. Keep moving forward to new things. I would love to go to Salem, and check that out. One day perhaps. Unless I win the lottery.
For the longest time my whole life revolved around my anxiety. It was my life. It was my way of being. It was the way life was to me. I had come to terms with that. It was not an easy conclusion to make about my life. That I would be anxious all the time. It was not a good way to live my life. Yet it was the only way I could live… or so I thought.
Fast forward to today where I am finally at a place in my life where I can live a “normal” life that is not controlled by anxiety. And it feels great. It truly does. It was not something that just happened. It has taken me lot of work on myself, and a lot of healing on myself. To peel back the various layers of myself and who I thought I was.
Every journey I take, I learn more about myself. I open up more and I heal even more. My journey has been all about healing my life, healing my anxiety, so I can love life. For the first time ever, I am loving life. Each new step I take, I push myself forward and into new territory. That is the only way really to get through all of this. Is to keep trying. Keep pushing myself. For so long I just stopped in my tracks, and now, I embrace, instead of run from.
Today was another case of pushing myself into things that make me uncomfortable. To do something new. One of the things I do not like to do, is get into a car when someone else drives. For one, I get car sick, and driving helps that. Two, with my anxiety, and stomach issues, I never knew when it would hit, so I prefer the control of being in control of the car and when it stops. So to surrender that control was very scary. As fate would have it, I had to put my car in the shop, and had plans with friends to visit Shree Swaminarayan Temple in Robbinsville, NJ. I would have to either run away from not going, which would be pretty easy to do with my car in the shop, or get a ride with someone else. I opted for the latter. Even if running away would have been easier.
Let me tell you, I am thankful that I got in that car. It was a fun trip, that was 40 minutes away. The temple was gorgeous. Such incredible works of art and beauty made out of marble. But the joy of being able to have been able to conquer a fear and go out like that, with other people in the car, visit a temple, drive home with them, and then go out to dinner, is a moment that will stay with me for a lifetime. All and all we were out for 6 hours. 5 years ago I would have never dreamed of that being possible. Yet I did it, with no fear or anxiety or panic. I was able to enjoy myself and hang out with friends and visit a beautiful temple. Then go eat and drive with another person driving me. Eating and going home used to be such a fear of mine. Until I started eating the proper foods for my body. Today was an incredible day. I am so grateful. And glad I continued to push myself into new things to go even further in life.
On the way home, my friend said to me, I would have never believed you lived with anxiety for so long. I smiled and said, that is the way I am making my life now. Where I don’t even remember the old way, or any other way.
Shadows of the past – sounds like a movie in the Star Wars universe. Some days life feels like a sci-fi movie. I think my life could certainly use a theme song to it. Or at least Morgan Freeman narrating it. How awesome would life be if that happened? It would be epic.
As I have worked with Reiki, crystals bowls, and various healers, I have gone through many layers of myself. I have brought forth parts of me I no longer remember and parts of me I didn’t even know existed.
The more I have opened up to that, the more I have seen how much the past has cast its dark shadow upon my life. It’s that last thg can create so much anxiety, and fear within us. As we hold on to our baggage that we just for some reason or another can not let go of. Perhaps because it’s familiar to us or it’s just how we identify ourselves as. Some times we hold them because we don’t want them to repeat so if we remember that John was mean to he, we hold that baggage so no one else hurts us ever again. But really at the end of the day, who does it hurt by holding it? We do. It affects us and any future encounter with people. This baggage creates doubts and those doubts feed our insecurities and we start to just descend into dark places of the mind that start to make us feel paranoid about others. This baggage, all it ends up doing is robbing us of peace.
The more we cling to it, the tighter our grip becomes, the more we lose ourselves in the process. We become consumed by it and that becomes all we can see.
We then have a choice; continue to grip our baggage tight or let go of it and open our hands up to new experiences with an innocent mind. A mind that is not stuck on the past. A mind that can be one to trust life. Trust another person. For me I have spent so long living with baggage. Unable to let it go. Unable to trust in people. I have experienced the insecurities in brings to the mind. Causing me to push away the world in the past. I choose to live a better life. I choose to be happy now.
Working on myself has shown me many truths about myself. I know I am not perfect. I have a lot of work to do on myself. And truthfully we all do. We just have to be willing and ready to do so. Not everyone is ready. And that is ok. That is their journey. Each day I strive to be a better person than I was yesterday. I have come so far in my healing, my development, and life, within the past year. I look forward to where next year, and five years from now will take.
I am glad I took those first steps to change my life. I can’t imagine my life any other way now.
This past Monday I had the opportunity to once again be a part of a crystal bowl meditation, Halo Wellness in Marlton, NJ, while I provided Reiki on those who were a part of this meditation. The bowls were being played by my good friend, Beth.
I’ve mentioned before my love for the crystal bowls and how much they have helped my healing journey. They have helped me clear out so much from my energy body, aura, and even my chakras. They have been so instrumental in helping me open up more and be able to step fully into my own power. I still have ways to go with my healing, but know I am on the right track. So to be able to be part of a meditation with them has been an incredible experience for me.
I am forever thankful for this journey. Reiki has now become such a huge part of my life and I can’t imagine my life without Reiki. I spent the past decade trying to run away from doing Reiki, but it always called me back to. Now I am happy to be listening to it’s call. I love Reiki, energy work, and what it can do for us. I look forward to what more it can do for me, my healing, and helping others. I have only scratched the surface of Reiki and I look forward to where it will take me.
I have alluded to this on this blog before that when I was living, and I’m sure those with anxiety/depression can also relate to this, and that is a feeling of hopelessness. Where things seem so bleak and bad that there will never be any good in life. That life and living will always suck.
I think the hardest thing with ever having hope is that you can not see it. You can not see that it will happen. You can not see the good that will come. All you can see is this moment that is happening and the moment you had yesterday. So to tell someone that things will get better seems like rubbish. And that is putting it nicely. At least that is the way it felt to me.
How can we ever believe things will get better? When did we ever see it as getting better? All we know is fear, anxiety, and depression. That is our whole world. That is our life. For me that was all I ever knew. So me to have hope that the sun would finally come out in my life and things would change. I would not believe you. Even today I can hardly wrap my mind around the fact that the sun can come out. That things can change. I guess the saying is true, tough times don’t last.
Then we’d have to ask ourselves, would we enjoy the rainbow if we didn’t dance in the rain? That was a question I had been pondering to myself since yesterday. Let me set the stage for you. Me and a good friend of mine, someone I have been blessed to get to know real well in the past few months, were going to go out for the night, and visit some friends at the opening of their store. Then we went out to dinner afterwards. The whole things had really just blown me away. How three years ago I would never have seen any of that happening in my life. To have been able to go out and meet people, get to know them, and go out and have a fun night on the town. Then finish it off with dinner. It really blew me away.
Which got me to thinking about it, and how back in 2013-2015 was really dark times for me. Had I known this is what my life would end up like would I still have been so dark? Since most of that darkness was the result of being in such a bad place because of not being anywhere in life, but to finally be somewhere in life, would that darkness have still happened? Would have been able to enjoy the beauty of the night out if I hadn’t had that darkness?
For me the answer(s) was pretty clear. I would not have been able to truly appreciate the joy of going out last night, meeting someone incredible and important to me, if I did not go through those trials and tribulations in life. I had meet people before and even dated them, I know shocking, but I did not have the appreciation of life and them without knowing what it was like to not have it. It is true that we can not fully appreciate happiness without sadness. I am not forever grateful for all that I do have and do now because I know what it was like to not have it.
So how do we get hope? Some would say to have hope you need faith and trust, and belief. I think that is true in many ways. As hope is just this knowing that things will be OK. It’s not something easy to get. It’s not easy to believe in something you cannot see. When all I knew was anxiety and pain, to see anything but that was very hard to do. What we do know is that nothing lasts forever. Bad times and even good times. All we can do is make the most of every moment we have. Which helps us to cherish all the good memories we experience and work on those that we did not like.
For me life did not just change on its own I had to go out there and make that change. I had to work hard at it, as we all do. We all have to work at life. We have to do what we can to make our lives the best we can make them. For many like myself we have an exact image of what we want our life to be and how we want to get there. For me I had to surrender that control to the universe. It’s not easy let me tell you. At first I had an image of what I wanted but once I let go of that and allowed my life to blossom it became so much more than I could have ever hoped. I couldn’t picture my life to be any other way now.
To me that is hope. We get out of the way of ourselves and just let life take its own course. Let it be more than we want it to be. Let it take off. Let it knock our socks off. Otherwise we may try to control life and decide not to go to that luncheon or gathering that night.
What if you go beyond your image and go to that event and meet the one person who could change your life completely around for the better? So don’t limit yourself. Don’t limit life.
Let it be more than you could ever imagine. You may just love the ride.