Setting out to heal myself has been such a liberating journey for myself. It’s also been a scary one, and a hard one at times. It’s hard in the sense that to heal ourselves we also need to confront ourselves. Confront the way we have been living. And we have to learn to accept ourselves for who we are. That last part is one of the hardest things we will do.
Accept ourselves. Accept things have happened to us, and are part of our growth and learning. Hopefully we learn from our missteps and stumbles in life. It’s easy to just sit there and wish we did this or that differently. What if we tried harder? What if we were nicer, or funnier, or better looking. What if. What if. There comes a time in our lives that we must accept that what has happened to us. Happened. And perhaps it could not have happened any other way. We can learn, in time, to let go. Many of us, myself included, want to control so much of our lives. That we sometimes forget that much is out of our hands, and all we can do is just enjoy the ride.
It has been a while since I have written anything on this blog. Yet it’s not for a lack of not going anywhere or doing anything. In fact, I have been all over the place these days, and have been really busy. I’m loving every moment of it. I just have not had much to write about and also have not had the time to really sit down and write.
Lately I have been doing some introspection on myself as I do that quite a lot. This journey, and this blog, have been about the healing of my life, and changing it for the better. The other day I was having some quiet time to myself and really just pondering on my life, my journey, how far I have come, and in letting go of things that no longer serve my highest good. And in letting go of those things, I was learning to empower myself. Which is what those experiences have been for me. They have been lessons that have taught me so much. Albeit many of them were painful, they still helped me become the person I am today. Through it all I have come to love myself for the first time, in my life. In doing so I have also come to the realization that, “it is OK to be me.” When I came to that, I was taken aback, at how powerful it is, yet how simple it is.
I have come to see that much of my life I had become a conformer to those around me who influenced me in not so positive ways. They were people that brought me down, whether they were intentional or not, they succeeded in causing me to become someone I wasn’t, but I thought I was. These were people that came in all shapes and sizes in my life, from school teachers, to relationships, to “friends” over the years. Random people on Internet forums. All telling me how things should be, or how I should do things, or how I should react to them. When you don’t know any better, you start to believe them. It lowers your self esteem and you start to doubt yourself and your abilities. Their way of being becomes yours, and you basically become defeated, wounded, and in many cases defeated. You no longer cease to exist how you were created, but become this Frankenstein creation of their design.
I will be the first to tell you, it’s not a good way of living. Yet it becomes our only way of living because we think it’s right. Because they told us it was. We hardly ever stop and think, well maybe they were wrong. For many of us that become wounded, we are not strong enough to stand up to them and stand firm within ourselves. At the time, I did not. I just shied away, and shut down. Building up wall, after wall, to protect myself, without even really realizing I was doing it.
I could have chosen to accept their reality was the only way to be. I could have chosen to stay that way. And lived their life. Miserable in the process. Shut down and defeated. (You probably would not be reading this blog right now if I did.) Or I could have set out to change everything and be so much more than I could have ever imagined. I chose the latter. I chose a better life. It was not easy. It has been a roller coaster of a journey over the past two years and I have loved every moment of it. I chose to heal my life. I choose to work at myself. I chose to really look at myself, the way I was living, and really work to make changes. To heal. To free myself of the shackles I was wearing. I had to do it. I had to put in the work. I had to actively do it. I had to actively work at it. I had to hammer away at the walls I had created. Brick by brick. Piece by piece. In time they slowly came down. I opened up more. I become more than I thought I was.
In that process I have learned one big truth of life. That it is OK to be me. It’s OK to like what I like. It’s OK to do what I do. It’s OK to be me. I am a beautiful person, inside and out. I don’t need to conform or settle. When you listen to those who don’t have your best interests at heart it takes you to a place you don’t want to be in, if you allow them to do so. If you give them that power over you. They have no power over us until we give it to them. When we stay strong in our own lights, in ourselves, we see our own worth and what we deserve. And we deserve great things. I am so grateful for those that I have met on this journey, good and bad. It was those “bad” ones that showed me what I don’t want from people. Those good ones helped me to see myself for who I truly was. When I could no longer see it within myself. I am forever thankful for them. They helped find me when I had gotten so lost in life. They were earth angels sent to bring me home. I am glad to finally be home. Now I know my worth. I know what I deserve and now I don’t settle for anything less than that.
Now I work through forgiving those who inadvertently took my light from me, and forgive myself for putting myself in that place. It was all learning and it was all to help me become the person I am today. Now my light is bright and it shines out to all to see.
Yesterday was a good day. After that realization I had about innocence and enjoying what I did, like I did in childhood. I felt really good. Really peaceful. Really happy and loving towards myself. Something I had not really had. I felt so much love. It was amazing. I felt really good. I felt so clear and at ease with myself and it was amazing.
Life, and my life in particular, has not been an easy journey for me. It has been full of hardships, loss, and lots and lots of anxiety. For a person with an anxious mind we have a tendency to fixate on things and they end up burrowing into our minds to the point where we can not stop thinking about them. It’s a curse at times. I can go out into a parking lot after shopping and it remember where I parked. But that time you said something about me, oh I remember that. Life is funny that way. And if you didn’t laugh at life. It would eat you alive.
This was the case for me last night as someone said to be, about not being sure I was being serious or not. For that is also my curse. My humor, while hilariously hilarious, also causes people to think I am not a serious person. Ever. Contrary to my own popular belief. Can you believe that? I know right. Now I have heard this many a time in my life. Yet for some reason, this time it really stuck to me. I’m sure it’s not the first time that’s happened. It’s just now I am more aware of my thoughts and feelings. And instinctively it made me start to feel bad about myself. That there was something wrong with me. I’m not a good person. Etc, etc. It started to just fester and fester into my mind. What is wrong with me? I need to change. Be someone else. On and on it went. I even woke up this morning still thinking about it. The anxious mind. Is a crazy place to be.
I was feeling so good about myself. So at peace with myself. I did not want this to take me back down a path I did not want to be. I did not want this to clog up my energy system and close me down. So I did the only thing I could. I worked to let it go. I sat in meditation and grounded myself and allowed it to let go out of me and into the earth to be recycled. I breathed in loving energies and light, and breathed out negativity. It was really starting to help.
So I then knew I did not want to hold on to it. So I called in the Archangels, Raphael, Michael, Gabriel, and Chamuel. To release it from me and bring back the love into me. While I was meditating and allowing them to work on me, I could feel peace return to me. My mind was getting still and I was calming. I could then, hear their wisdom coming though about this situation. And this is what it was about that they spoke to me.
“Loving our flaws. These flaws and quirks are what makes us unique. What makes us who we are.”
It made me smile, as I understood it now. I understood myself more. I did not have to feel bad about myself. I did not need to reject a part of me. I knew I am unique and I can be proud about that. I can love myself for who I am. And smile. I thanked the Archangels for their wisdom and love. I also thanked those who helped me learn this lesson by playing their part in it all.
I then decided to pull an oracle card for extra wisdom for the day. Today is feast of the Archangels so I pulled from my Archangel Deck, by Doreen Virtue. I pulled Archangel Oracle. He message is right on with what they told me. So I smiled and thanked them once more. I love when things line up that way.
This post is different than what I normally post about but I could not leave out a part of it. Its message needed to be shared. And I am just the messenger sharing it. We all can be. If we choose to stop and listen.
It’s been four days since my Reiki attunment and the things it is helping me with and clearing out and bringing to the surface has been so incredible. As well as thought provoking and eye opening. Energy healing truly is powerful stuff. More so when I have gotten myself to a place to being open to it helping and changing my life. When I first got attuned to it I was not open to it. So it could not truly help me. Fully.
Naturally these energies that are swirling around within me, moving things out, and rising up within me, have my thinking about a more pure, innocent time in my life. When I was free to be myself and live my own life. Over the years I lost that joy and innocence. I went from believing in myself and not caring about what the world thought of me, and wanting me to be, to being stuck in pilot over what the world thought about me. We spend the vast majority of our lives being whom we are told to me, and not what we are meant to be. Or even who we want to be. We spend all our time and energy pleasing everyone else we stop listening to ourselves to please us. We end up thinking and feeling it’s selfish to take care of ourselves. The thing we tell ourselves.
Naturally when we stop listening to ourselves we lose that spark and that passion for life. Such was the case for me. I remember a time, vaguely that is, when one of the things I loved, believe it or not, was long division. I remember being really good at it, and could solve those problems very quickly. I used to race the students in my class, and even the teacher. And being the first one to solve the problem. Back then I did not care about anything else when I was doing those problems. Did not care if I would be good enough, or fast enough. I believed in myself. I trusted and listened to myself. Something I would forget along the way of my life. It brought me so much joy to do long division. So much passion and love.
Eventually I would move to a different town and a different school. Where I would try to show my abilities with long division, and he told that my handwriting was too sloppy when I wrote and to slow down. In one swift move I would lose that spark, that innocence, and that joy. After that incidence I never really enjoyed math again. I allowed someone else to dictate my happiness, my feelings, and control how I do things. I allowed them to take my power away and rob me of my innocence. Sadly it would not be the last time that would happen in life.
So that is what Reiki is helping me to do again. Helping me to get back to that state of joy, that state of innocence and bliss. Where I believe in myself and trust myself. Even love myself and what I can do. I have been reminded of that state. Of what it is and was like to be in that awareness of being. To embrace my own way of being and living. Instead of someone else’s way.
I am finding that now. I am finding that love, that bliss, and belief in myself. And for the first time since a child I am finding that passion and love for what I do and will do. It has been an incredible journey that has been so eye opening and transformative that I am beyond grateful for and thankful for. I now know deep down there is so much more to myself and living. I just forgot what I already knew. As most of us do.
It’s my time to be me. To live my own life. Free of what others tell me. I will make mistakes. I will fall down. But more importantly I will try and I will do it my own way now.
It’s my life. And it’s worth living.
Look at that. This is my third blog post this week. In bowling they would call that a Turkey. Gobble gobble… Hmm. I think I made that joke before. Poor form chap. 50 points from Gryffindor. And 25 from Slytherin, just because.
Being true to you. Is something I have struggled with for some time in my life. More aptly being who I choose to be. For so long I was always trying to be who I thought I should be or who others said I should be, or even tried to be who they wanted me to be. Sadly that is how life becomes for us. We lose who we are. We lose sight of what we wanted to do or be in life and we just life an empty shell of existence trying to please everyone else except our selves. Why is it so hard to do something for ourselves? Why is it we would rather put others needs over our own? Do we find it selfish to take care of us? I think for many of us we do think it would be selfish to give ourselves some attention. What I do know is not being true to us robs us of some of our happiness.
That was true for me. I had spent so long trying to be someone I wasn’t that I stopped being who I was and was miserable the whole time. Even worse you start to hate those who changed you and deep down that hate ends up getting turned on us. We start to hate us and who we become.
It was not until I started to embrace myself and what I loved and enjoyed did I start to find that happiness within myself. It was not easy to embrace myself. As I had lived so long in that fear of being me that I was afraid of being rejected or ridiculed for my beliefs, or because I have more shirts with nerdy graphics on them, like Transformers or duck tales, than shirts that are plain. We spend so much time trying to conform and fit in that we are willing to give up ourselves and our identities in the process.
It can be scary being true to us in a society that wants us to conform. Where it wants us to be who they think we should be regardless of what we want to be. After all how many work in a job or field they do not truly want to be in? I know I have. It can be scary going against the grain so to speak. Standing up for yourself and speaking ones own truth. I struggled with that a few times with this blog and wondering what I should post about. Should I not mention that I took Reiki sessions, or that I do Oracle card readings for others, and am apparently pretty good at it. Then I realize st the end of the day. The only person I have to please the most and live with, is myself. I have to live with my decisions and actions. It is me that stares back when I look into the mirror and it is my life. I choose to be happy now. I choose to life my own life. The one I can look back in fondly and smile.
Who knows it may catch on and others may too choose to live their own lives for a change.
Perhaps if we all took that time to be who we choose to, we may love ourselves a little bit more. Perhaps if we loved ourselves fully we would be nicer to others and not lash out at them. Can we hurt another if we truly loved ourselves? If you are fully of love how can you purposely attack another? Perhaps if we loved ourselves we would stop the bullying and mean behavior towards another. Perhaps life would be all the sweeter if we lived that way.
For some people one of the hardest things to do is to accept yourself exactly how you are. We have grown up in a society that puts a certain life style a certain look ahead of others. When we do this we place them on to a pedestal that in most cases we can never be. We compare ourselves to what others have and how they look.
For those that are not on that pedestal we see ourselves as being flawed. We feel we are not good looking enough. We don’t make enough money. Eventually we start telling us that we are not good enough. We slowly start to despise and hate ourselves. We find it hard to even look at ourselves in the mirror because we detest what we feel we have become.
I can speak from personal experience of looking at someone else life and wanting and dreaming of having a different life. I can even recall spending countless hours praying for something else and then feeling forsaken because of not receiving it.
Growing up my whole life I have always fought with stomach disorders. I have seen that disorder become a major part of my life as well as a major part of relationships. For some it can be hard to be in a relationship with one that is unable to do certain things. When we go through turbulent times from heart break or down on our luck it becomes natural for us to either fight it or run from it.
Growing up I always found it easier to run from it. Why address it head on? Why bring on more pain? We can always just escape our lives or our realities if we want to. What I didn’t know at the time was that no matter how hard I wanted to run and how far I wanted to go. There was nowhere to run to that was away from myself. For wherever I went I was still there. We can only ignore something for so long before it eventually catches up to us.
For me that catching up was the realization that my life was not a happy one. I had always hoped that if I ignored life then life would ignore me. Unfortunately life is going to happen regardless if we want it to or not. I had always hoped that I could change who I was and be someone else. Reality was I could only be this one person; the person who I am.
The biggest moment of peace came to me when I had the realization that this is who I am and there was no changing that. The acceptance of me as who I am as an individual was the start of inner peace and happiness.
The acceptance of ourselves as who we are does not mean we cannot become something more. Those, like myself, that do not have the best health at times. We can seek out treatment and ways to live a better life. We just have the inner peace of mind with knowing that while we do look for treatment even if we cannot find any treatment that we are great just the way we are with knowing that this is a part of us. Will it always be a part of us? Only time can tell the answer to that question.
“The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.” — Nathaniel Branden
One of the hardest things about anxiety, depression, and the like, is that eventually one starts to hate themselves. They start to hate that they feel this way, or that their body does this or that. They hate that they are not normal like everyone else. When they start down that path they start to not have love for themselves. When you start to not love yourself it is very hard to have happiness and be happy in life. They say one can not love another until they love themselves. Learning to love myself was a very, very hard thing to do. I have learned that it is hard to face these challenges in life if one can not love themselves because they can not have confidence in themselves. So everything becomes so much harder for them.
Self love is one of the most important types of love a person can have in their life, yet so many lacks this type of love.
A lack of self love will create all types of problems within oneself. Those problems can have a long lasting effect on a person’s mind and body. The problems can be anything from low self esteem, negative thinking, to having feelings of inadequacy, feelings of not being good enough.
Low levels of self love, for the most part, stem from poor self image that someone else has created for you or that we create for ourselves. Being told one was not good enough, one was not attractive enough. They lead to low levels of self love, low self esteem, and poor self consciousness.
Many of us when looking upon ourselves only see disgust, and see faults within. At times we can be our own worst critic, and judge ourselves too harshly. It also doesn’t help when we compare ourselves to others, and when we place high ideals upon what we “think” we should look like. As well as what outside sources tell us we should look like, or what media uses to represent what beauty is.
The first step to breaking free of its grip we must learn to accept ourselves. We must accept everything about us, from our head to our toes. We must accept the good as well as the bad. We must forgive ourselves for the mistakes we’ve made, and will probably make again. Each and every decision we make in our lives. We make with the knowledge that we possessed at the time. That decision made us who we are, and brought us to where we are in our lives. If we felt that the decision was not the best decision, or that we could make a better decision, we must accept the one we made. We then take the knowledge we have from our error and use it to not make that mistake again.