Doubt. One of the scariest four letter words I know.. Wait, 5 letter. I’ve never claimed to be good at math. So doubt and math are my Kryptonite. This past weekend I went out of my comfort zone and did something I wouldn’t normally do. That was doing Oracle card readings for people. For those not familiar, Oracle Cards are a form of divination. Yes, this blog, just went there. Life takes you to some interesting places. (There was a time where I would be ashamed to say this, but I am growing more confident in myself, and who I am, that I am no longer hiding myself. And I am all the more happy because of it.) Normally I don’t read for others in public. With dealing with anxiety in the past the idea of doing this with others in the past would have sent me running away.
That anxiety and fear for me, with anything, was mostly because of doubt. It was doubt that I could not do it. I could not make it through it. This would happen. That would happen. I wonder then if a lot of the fears/insecurities that an anxious person faces and feels is because of doubting themselves and of them being good enough. I will have to ponder on that thought for some more. For me in the past it did not matter how many times I did something, I always felt that this time, this one time, would be the time that I wouldn’t be good. I wouldn’t even consider the possibility that I may have done it 10 times in the past.
So now I am in this engagement of doing this, and those doubts and fears start creeping in. Can I do it? Will I be able to? The gears and motors are spinning in my head, and I can see how easy it is to just continue to add to that motion, to add more to those fears. Yet now, after working on myself with Reiki, and this healing journey, I see how I can cut them off. I can not add to them. I see that I do not need to give them fire and fuel. I do not need to allow them to rob me of my peace, and my happiness. I allowed myself to face my fears and overcome my doubts and go out into the world and do what I was intending to do that day. And you know what? Against my brains odds I did go out and do those readings, and I did well with them. I made a choice that day, to either go out there and face my fears or to turn away and hide. I chose to confront them and overcome them, and not allow them to stop me that day. It was a victory and a well earned one.
So many battles I waged in the past where I chose to not confront them and chose to hide. I am not choosing to live my life. This was a victory for myself and it was one well earned. Will those doubts be gone the next time I go out? No, they will not. That will in time diminish and I will grow more confident and stronger in myself and believing in myself. These wounds are deep, as most of them are for someone like me, so I know I have to be gentle with myself and give myself. I have hope now, and I am getting stronger and stronger each day. I am gaining the strength and the courage to face my fears and my demons and I am all the better for it.