I have alluded to this on this blog before that when I was living, and I’m sure those with anxiety/depression can also relate to this, and that is a feeling of hopelessness. Where things seem so bleak and bad that there will never be any good in life. That life and living will always suck.
I think the hardest thing with ever having hope is that you can not see it. You can not see that it will happen. You can not see the good that will come. All you can see is this moment that is happening and the moment you had yesterday. So to tell someone that things will get better seems like rubbish. And that is putting it nicely. At least that is the way it felt to me.
How can we ever believe things will get better? When did we ever see it as getting better? All we know is fear, anxiety, and depression. That is our whole world. That is our life. For me that was all I ever knew. So me to have hope that the sun would finally come out in my life and things would change. I would not believe you. Even today I can hardly wrap my mind around the fact that the sun can come out. That things can change. I guess the saying is true, tough times don’t last.
Then we’d have to ask ourselves, would we enjoy the rainbow if we didn’t dance in the rain? That was a question I had been pondering to myself since yesterday. Let me set the stage for you. Me and a good friend of mine, someone I have been blessed to get to know real well in the past few months, were going to go out for the night, and visit some friends at the opening of their store. Then we went out to dinner afterwards. The whole things had really just blown me away. How three years ago I would never have seen any of that happening in my life. To have been able to go out and meet people, get to know them, and go out and have a fun night on the town. Then finish it off with dinner. It really blew me away.
Which got me to thinking about it, and how back in 2013-2015 was really dark times for me. Had I known this is what my life would end up like would I still have been so dark? Since most of that darkness was the result of being in such a bad place because of not being anywhere in life, but to finally be somewhere in life, would that darkness have still happened? Would have been able to enjoy the beauty of the night out if I hadn’t had that darkness?
For me the answer(s) was pretty clear. I would not have been able to truly appreciate the joy of going out last night, meeting someone incredible and important to me, if I did not go through those trials and tribulations in life. I had meet people before and even dated them, I know shocking, but I did not have the appreciation of life and them without knowing what it was like to not have it. It is true that we can not fully appreciate happiness without sadness. I am not forever grateful for all that I do have and do now because I know what it was like to not have it.
So how do we get hope? Some would say to have hope you need faith and trust, and belief. I think that is true in many ways. As hope is just this knowing that things will be OK. It’s not something easy to get. It’s not easy to believe in something you cannot see. When all I knew was anxiety and pain, to see anything but that was very hard to do. What we do know is that nothing lasts forever. Bad times and even good times. All we can do is make the most of every moment we have. Which helps us to cherish all the good memories we experience and work on those that we did not like.
For me life did not just change on its own I had to go out there and make that change. I had to work hard at it, as we all do. We all have to work at life. We have to do what we can to make our lives the best we can make them. For many like myself we have an exact image of what we want our life to be and how we want to get there. For me I had to surrender that control to the universe. It’s not easy let me tell you. At first I had an image of what I wanted but once I let go of that and allowed my life to blossom it became so much more than I could have ever hoped. I couldn’t picture my life to be any other way now.
To me that is hope. We get out of the way of ourselves and just let life take its own course. Let it be more than we want it to be. Let it take off. Let it knock our socks off. Otherwise we may try to control life and decide not to go to that luncheon or gathering that night.
What if you go beyond your image and go to that event and meet the one person who could change your life completely around for the better? So don’t limit yourself. Don’t limit life.
Let it be more than you could ever imagine. You may just love the ride.
Doubt. One of the scariest four letter words I know.. Wait, 5 letter. I’ve never claimed to be good at math. So doubt and math are my Kryptonite. This past weekend I went out of my comfort zone and did something I wouldn’t normally do. That was doing Oracle card readings for people. For those not familiar, Oracle Cards are a form of divination. Yes, this blog, just went there. Life takes you to some interesting places. (There was a time where I would be ashamed to say this, but I am growing more confident in myself, and who I am, that I am no longer hiding myself. And I am all the more happy because of it.) Normally I don’t read for others in public. With dealing with anxiety in the past the idea of doing this with others in the past would have sent me running away.
That anxiety and fear for me, with anything, was mostly because of doubt. It was doubt that I could not do it. I could not make it through it. This would happen. That would happen. I wonder then if a lot of the fears/insecurities that an anxious person faces and feels is because of doubting themselves and of them being good enough. I will have to ponder on that thought for some more. For me in the past it did not matter how many times I did something, I always felt that this time, this one time, would be the time that I wouldn’t be good. I wouldn’t even consider the possibility that I may have done it 10 times in the past.
So now I am in this engagement of doing this, and those doubts and fears start creeping in. Can I do it? Will I be able to? The gears and motors are spinning in my head, and I can see how easy it is to just continue to add to that motion, to add more to those fears. Yet now, after working on myself with Reiki, and this healing journey, I see how I can cut them off. I can not add to them. I see that I do not need to give them fire and fuel. I do not need to allow them to rob me of my peace, and my happiness. I allowed myself to face my fears and overcome my doubts and go out into the world and do what I was intending to do that day. And you know what? Against my brains odds I did go out and do those readings, and I did well with them. I made a choice that day, to either go out there and face my fears or to turn away and hide. I chose to confront them and overcome them, and not allow them to stop me that day. It was a victory and a well earned one.
So many battles I waged in the past where I chose to not confront them and chose to hide. I am not choosing to live my life. This was a victory for myself and it was one well earned. Will those doubts be gone the next time I go out? No, they will not. That will in time diminish and I will grow more confident and stronger in myself and believing in myself. These wounds are deep, as most of them are for someone like me, so I know I have to be gentle with myself and give myself. I have hope now, and I am getting stronger and stronger each day. I am gaining the strength and the courage to face my fears and my demons and I am all the better for it.
My journey over the years has taken me to many places, and I have had the pleasure of meeting many people. One thing I have learned is when you face something, and you find the courage and strength to endure and fight it, you can and you will do whatever you can and must to help yourselves. In the process your who reality can become shattered, how you see yourself and how you see the world can and may change. Hopefully for the better. Some people find themselves spiritual and others have a tendency to lose their faith in the process. Life can be harsh and very painful. How we deal and react to it is up to each one of us.
The one thing I have realized is, depression, anxiety, mental health issues, illness, they affect everyone. They do not care if you are rich or poor, if you are male or female, what color skin tone you have, what job you do. It can and it does affect everyone. We all have our struggles and our anxieties that we face and endure in life. Which to me shows how very similar we all are on the inside, something we all seem to forget. When we focus so much in the outside of someone. We really do not know what another is feeling or what they are going through. We must remember that what we meet and encounter someone who may seem like they are jerks, you never know what they are dealing with on the inside, or at home. Most of these battles we do face are silent battles that we don’t talk about or even share with others. We can be secluded like that. We may not mean to, it’s just who we are at times. So be nice to us that kindness may just make our days and even change our lives.
I sometimes wonder one some of the things I share here in this blog and wonder if I should say this, or say that, but I realize now, that my journey as crazy as it may be, may be similar to someone else’s journey and what I say could help hem live a better life. For at the root of this all this blog is about healing life to live and love life, for everyone. Hope is for everyone and available to everyone. As is love. Everyone may not agree with what I say or what I do, and I see now, that is ok. Those that it resonates with and need to hear it, they will, and it will be available to them to do so.
Living a life that has been a roller coaster of emotions has taught and shown me many things in my life. Those hard times always reveal those that will be there for you and those that will not. In those times I learned the most about myself and learned how to better myself and become stronger. I learned to go on and keep on fighting. There have been many days where I did not think I could go on, in fact there were days where I prayed for death. In those darkest of times I somehow found the strength, the courage, and resolve, to keep on going. To keep on moving forward. As scary and as painful as an anxiety/panic attack could be, I somehow had to keep moving forward. Life was not going to wait or stop for me.