fear

Working to make change

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IMG_0647Hello, October! Hard to believe that this year is almost done already. This year has just been flying by. I have not written much this year. Not for a lack of activity but just not anything to really write about. I try to post things that have quality to them and not just quantity of post.

I don’t know about all of you by 2018 has been an intense year. There has been so much emotions. So much going on. So much pain, and turmoil, and turbulent times during this year. I also ended up fighting health challenges this year. Which was causing me to not do much. Not even do much other than, just eat bad food choices. There was a lot of ups and downs this year and a few times of not even wanting to climb back up again. Yet, despite it all, I still kept marching on and kept dancing to my own beat.
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Picking up the broken pieces.

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(This post contains snippets of my life and my journey. It is dark and gloomy and moody at times, but that has been my journey. It would be a shame to exclude those parts from my story I am telling here. So this is my journey through the pain and suffering in life to picking up my broken pieces. You have been forewarned before reading. Thank you for reading. )

During the last decade my life has been and continues to be a roller coaster, it’s been crazy, dark, happy, and everything in between. But to get to where I am today I had to pick myself up from the pits of my own life, my own depression, and move to something new.

I guess for me to get there to a better place, I had to hit rock bottom. I’m sure I didn’t actually have to go that route, but as humans we are quite dumb that way. We love to do things the hard way. We are hard headed. We think we know what is right and best for us, and even worse, we tell others what we think is best for them. We seldom see the bigger pictures and even less than that we hardly see the route that was probably much more easy for us. Opting to go through the thorn bushes and not walk on the clear path. Sure the thorns have a lot more lessons and growth but I’m sure we would all like to have had that one time where things went smooth for us. There is a saying that God will not give us more than we can handle. That may be true, and we survive more than we ever thought we could, we will get scraped up and bruised, and maybe even break a bone or two in the process. It’s not all fun and games but they tell us it’s all worth it in the end.

When you are living with anxiety and panic that creates fear in everything you do you tend to always crawl through the thorns of life wondering if this next crawl will be your last. For me I crawled for many a mile that eventually I stopped crawling. The fear of being out there in the world was too much for me to handle. To be crippled by fear so much so that you would rather choose to stay away from the world is not a way to live ones life. As you are not really living life at all. You are just going through the motions. That is how I always described my day to day. Going through the motions of it all. While surviving another day. Until my time on earth was over. It was a bleak way of seeing life and very was depressing. You start to think something is wrong with you. You start to stop loving yourself. Stop liking yourself. And start to think no one else would ever love you either. Eventually all of that turns to self loathing and self hatred. You then start wondering what is the point of it all? Why even bother? Why even get up in the mornings to do it all again?

You shout out to the heavens, screaming and cursing, and shouting profanity that you didn’t even know you knew. Wondering what you ever did to ever deserve such a fate in life.

During that time you start to isolate yourself from your family, from your friends, and even loved ones. Relationships start to suffer and you end up not having anyone to talk to about it. As those who have never been there never really understand what it’s like so you feel alone. Which of course makes everything worse for you. For me my relationships suffered during that time of not being able to live my life. To not be able to go out and be young and dumb. In some ways that wasn’t me. I was not into that stuff, but I also was never able to really give it a shot. So relationships did not seem to work. Who would want to be with someone who couldn’t enjoy life and living? When you lose people you think you love because of it the fear starts to multiply and you think the next person will do the same. For me the next person(s) would be the same with it. Not wanting that type of person who can’t enjoy the life they want and choose to life. You then become afraid of any future relationship you could have. Would they all just be the same? 

So you start to dislike yourself more and more. And that hatred for yourself grows and you just stop caring about anything. Yourself. Others. Living. For me that was when I started to just eat poorly. I was not a drinker, nor did I do drugs. For me, I ate poorly. I loved junk food. Each and every meal had something sweet with it. Potato chips, and a candy bar, and the end of the night I would eat ice cream. I stopped caring about myself, and how I looked. I was trying to just numb the pain through sweets. Eventually I would balloon to 260 lbs. I no longer liked looking at the person in the mirror. For that person finally reflected what I felt like on the inside.

And in that moment you finally realize just how broken you have become. I knew, deep within myself, all the way to my soul, that I could no longer live like this anymore. This life was not worth living. I could no longer do it. I knew I had to make changes. I knew I had to do something about my life. It was not going to do it for me. No one was. I had to take the reigns of my life and steer it into something better.

I had no idea how I was going to do that. I had no idea what exactly I wanted from life. All I knew was that I didn’t want that life anymore. I had to do something. I knew I had to do it and I could not let myself give up. I couldn’t. Not anymore. I couldn’t go another day of not living.

So I started to make changes in my life. I had to change my life completely around. And that scared me even more but I knew I could not let the fear consume me and make me run away as it had done for my whole life. I had to wade through the waters of fear and keep going.

I had to start taking better care of myself and work on all the damage I had done from living that way for so long. Living in fear really leaves its mark on you. So I had to work to heal that fear. To heal my negative thoughts and heal my life.

I had to start the long journey of going from rock bottom, pick the rocks up off of me, and climb out of the fifty foot deep pit I had found myself in. It has been an incredible journey. I’ve done things I never thought I would or even could. Yet I do them all the time now. I have gone through fear and now I am able to not let that fear stop me from living my life. Much of that journey is documented on this blog, through my year long journey.

The only way to get through that fear for me was to walk through it. Slowly at first. Crawling. A step here and there. Pushing myself more and more. Each week going further and further. Doing more and more healing on myself. Living more and more.

Today I am happy to report that I am doing so much better in life. I am no longer obese, I have lost 80 pounds, going from 260 to 175. I am healthier than I have ever been in my entire life. I have met some incredible people. Made some great friends. Went out on adventures once a week for a year, and continue to do so. Continuing to push myself further and further. To being able to driving for hours in the car with another person. One of my biggest fears in life. I now can do.

My life is so much better. I am thankful for the journey. For the pain. For the heartbreak. It taught me much and brought me to this place where I am thankful for every moment of it. To now I hardly even recall that other life. It’s like a distant memory and I am thankful it is. I love my life now. I love life. I enjoy every moment of it. Today I love myself fully and completely. For the first time in my life.

Now I do Reiki sessions on others to help them heal their life. If I can do it. Anyone can.

Healing my walls… 

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Boxed in, I think is an apt way to describe what it feels like to live with anxiety. You’re boxed in, because you don’t want to move outside of it, well that was the case for me. 

Once that first event happens, the first time you become anxious, or “have a bad day” you want to do anything you can to not repeat it. So you put up a wall, or two, or three. You do whatever you can to keep yourself safe. When these events happen in early childhood, those walls become thicker and stronger, to keep you safe. On the positive side, if there even is one, is that your inner child, inner self, does what it can to keep you safe. So we can’t hate or be mad at ourselves for doing what we feel is best at the time. 

What happens when you keep building these walls to keep you safe, you eventually box yourself in and shut everything down. Which is what I was doing. Shutting everything down, and off, my emotions, my feelings, and gut intuition, till all you are left with, is the logical mind. That is always thinking up new ways to keep you safe. Running off of an old script that may not even be true anymore. But that doesn’t matter to the logicial mind, it’s in a continuous loop of old patterns and ways of being. Where we don’t want to change. We don’t want to stir the bee-hive. We get it in our heads that it’s not safe. This world is not safe. Eventually we end up not living anymore. We basically just go through the motions of existence. Trying to survive each day. Until the end of our days. It seems morbid and bleak.  And for me, it was. That was the life I was living…

So what can we do when we get to that state of being? I think awareness is the first step. Being aware of this is what you are doing and it’s not the best option for us. Not anymore. It may have served us well in the past, and we can be thankful for that, but now we can choose to live a different way. Sometimes it’s not easy to be aware and see this within ourselves. We become so engrossed in our minds and surviving that we don’t see anything outside of it. Sometimes we can be shown things from others, if we listen to them, and then it can hit us in the face like a stack of coins in a sock. 

This is where I find myself today, working to let go of the past. Accept it was what it was, and that I no longer need to hold on to it. I no longer need to live like that. I no longer need to be afraid of the world. I can slowly take out a brick from my walls. Slowly chisel away at them. And allow in the sun and light into my dark abyss that is my inner world. It’s scary and exciting all at the same time. Learning out ourselves and who we truly are. Not who we think we are by who we became living in fear. It’s a slow process. But it’s worth it in the end. Being free. Being unhindered. It’s something we all, living with anxiety, secretly dream for. To no longer life that way. To no longer be like that.

To be free. To be happy and really feel it. I look forward to that day and I hope you all do as well. 

Defeating ourselves before we try.

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This week has been a “fun” week and I use that term sarcastically if you could not tell. More accurately this has been a tiring week, as well, as a week that had some anxiety to it. This week would see my piloting a new server for work, a job I have been doing for 17 years now. Thank you, I don’t look old enough to have had my job for 17 years. That’s sweet of you to say. 

Yet despite all of that doing things like this have a tendency to just, create some anxious thoughts in my head. Ooooh that brain of ours. Where my head got it into itself that I could not do this project, I would not be good enough at it, I could screw it up, and so forth and so forth. You would think with all those years of experience my brain would see this as another day in the park so to speak. Yet that was not the case this week, as it normally isn’t doing things like this at work. 

That gets me to thinking, what is it, that we fear with things like this? Is it fear of the unknown? Fear of change, and uncertainty that we just can not foresee? Those same fears going to the dentist when we haven’t been there for a long time, stir up within us. Yet each time we survive it, and it’s usually not as scary or bad as we envision it. We know this going in. We know that within a few hours time we will be home and laughing about it, about how easy it ended up being. Yet somehow that fear still stalks us when it comes to something new for us. 

So what does one do when faced with such things in their life. Usually we first think, if I quit my job right now, could I survive without it? Maybe that’s just me? LOL. Many cases we do want to just run away from it and not do it. If we could get away with that. We would certainly take that option more times than not. It’s the “safer” option in our minds. Of course that option prevents us from living our lives. We then let fear consume us and we hide away from it and life. Not living. Just existing. That is not a fun way to live. 

There are other options we can do. Such as planning it out in our heads. Any contingencies we need to perform if need be. That can help. For me, I went in the day before, and installed the piece in place. Since I had no idea what it would be like, I was able to take my time with it before hand and get a feel for it. That actually helped a lot with this. Cutting down on some of the uncertainty involved. 

Other things I did that helped me, was before I left for this, which happened to be 3am, I did some grounding exercises. Grounding as been something I have been making a habit to do more frequently. Grounding helps to keep one centered within themselves, and with the earth. When we are feeling anxious we can not be grounded and can be too much in our heads. Grounding helps us get back down into ourselves, more sturdy, and rooted. Once one is grounding one can take their anxious thoughts, and feeling, and allow them to go out of you, out of your roots you create in grounding, and let it go back into the earth. Believe it or not, that does actually help. The other thing I did, was go connect to Reiki energy. Bringing that healing energy into my body, to charge and being healing within me. Creating a state of harmony and bliss. That worked pretty well and helped me be more calm, more centered, and more serene. 

There are, I am sure, many other things to do. Such as proper deep breathing. This is what I did and it worked surprisingly well for myself today. I was very calm, and confident in myself and my abilities and was able to do what I needed to without being consumed by fear and anxiety. I am thankful for Reiki today. I am still a work in progress but I am getting the tools and the help I need to live a better life. Each day I grow stronger and healthier. 

Love will win in the end. 

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Rose Quartz
The world is coming to terms with the election that just happened in the US yesterday and there is a lot of emotions being felt right now by everyone. I’ve not really made political posts on this blog so will not really go into it too much but felt compelled to still say something. As one that is sensitive to energies and the world around me, I could feel the energies in the air yesterday. I could feel that change is coming. Yet at the same time, there was a strong somber feel to the energies as well. As if this was the calm before the storm. 

With the results yesterday I still feel this change and this shift will still occur. 

The shift and change has not stopped. It is happening regardless of who would win. That much has been made clear. The results of election and the people running were the choices that the people made to bring about. Now we see the repercussions of our choices and our actions and we now know that we can do better. We can create better. We must thank the universe for the opportunity to grow and better ourselves and allow ourselves to truly be the change we want in the world. 

We must no longer be asleep and must now be the change and take actions in our lives and the world at large. 

It may seem hopeless right now, that fear, hate, and panic has won. There is still hope for this is a new beginning of change. We know what we want out of life. We know we can do better. We must not just roll over in defeat and give up. We have come so far. We must continue moving forward. Getting involved, speaking up, and spreading love and compassion. Change can and will happen. Thank the universe for this opportunity to learn and grow. We will rise from the ashes and be stronger and better than ever before.

We will be a better people. We will see and know we are all together on this journey. We are all one with each other. 

It’s not the end. It’s a new beginning. 

💚💚

The courage to face a new adventure.

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This weekend was a blast for me. I had a lot of fun. Yet, at the same time, I had thought it would be a scary weekend for me. As I was going to go out of my comfort zone. Big time. Yet, I realized and found out, it was scarier in my head, than it actual was. Much like a trip to the dentists office… But I am getting ahead of myself let me back up some.

This weekend I was asked to participate in a fundraiser for a friends, friend, that is facing an illness, and they asked me if I would be willing to do angel card readings at it. Instinctively I had to say yes. I knew deep down it would be a good opportunity for me to develop and push myself into new places. It is also something I enjoy doing. Of course as the day drew closer and closer, that ego started to come into play, telling me I would not be good enough. I could not do this, and I can’t do this. That guy is quite the brat. Some says I would like to just give him a wedgie, and call him a jerk to his face. Cause he is a jerk, always picking on me. Trying to keep me down. As the days grew closer to this event, I could see how easy it would have been. To just back out. Feign a sickness, run away to Canada. Whatever it would have taken. Now looking back at this I see what would that have accomplished? It would have given me an out, and then that out would have turned into another out at another time, and another time. Eventually that out would become the norm, and I would never do anything. And that smug little jerk would win. Then he would gloat, and have that stupid grin on his face, and say, “victory is mine.” Like he was Stewie Griffin. I was not gonna let this jerk win, I was not going to let him beat me.

Jack Canfield has a great quote, “everything you want is on the other side of fear.” That was my mantra going into this event, as it was so true. The things we want out of life, and what I wanted out of life, was on the other side of fear. I knew, deep within myself, that I needed to work through this fear. I could not let it overpower me, and cause me to run away. Not anymore. I lived my whole life doing that. I was not going to now. Not ever again if I can. I took some deep breaths, and did a quick grounding meditation. Grounded myself to the earth. Grounded myself to my own power. Let all that fear, anxiety, worry, negative talk, go. Let it all go out of me, into my roots I had created through grounding, and into the earth to be transmuted into positive energies. That helped me more than I thought it would. Within minutes I was feeling calm. Relaxed, and ready to face this new adventure. I was ready for this. I let go wondering and worrying about how it would go, and if I could do it. I was free of those thoughts, and I was present. So much so I was able to help my friend who was also doing angel card readings that day relax and know they could do it as well. Positivity spreads and really brings hope to others.

The event was incredible, the energy, the atmosphere, the turnout was great to see. I was able to do those card readings, without fear, and worry, and was able to do well with them. From what I was told from people afterwards. To see the expressions on the peoples faces that I was reading, reminded me, how I love doing what I am doing. Connecting with people like that. Doing those angel card readings. It was such a positive and loving experience for me to finally be doing something I love. Words can not truly express the feelings I felt then and now. To finally be on this path. To finally be moving. To creating so many new and wonderful experiences. All because I followed my passions and worked to make it happen. And did not listen to that little guy in my head trying to tell me I can’t and to just run away. Life is so much better for me now and I look forward to where it will take me next.

I will get the opportunity to do more card readings again this Sunday and now when it comes, I will not be afraid. I will be ready to embrace this adventure and know it’s changing my life just as much as I am changing another’s life.

Overcoming doubts.

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Doubt. One of the scariest four letter words I know.. Wait, 5 letter. I’ve never claimed to be good at math. So doubt and math are my Kryptonite. This past weekend I went out of my comfort zone and did something I wouldn’t normally do. That was doing Oracle card readings for people. For those not familiar, Oracle Cards are a form of divination. Yes, this blog, just went there. Life takes you to some interesting places. (There was a time where I would be ashamed to say this, but I am growing more confident in myself, and who I am, that I am no longer hiding myself. And I am all the more happy because of it.) Normally I don’t read for others in public. With dealing with anxiety in the past the idea of doing this with others in the past would have sent me running away.

That anxiety and fear for me, with anything, was mostly because of doubt. It was doubt that I could not do it. I could not make it through it. This would happen. That would happen. I wonder then if a lot of the fears/insecurities that an anxious person faces and feels is because of doubting themselves and of them being good enough. I will have to ponder on that thought for some more. For me in the past it did not matter how many times I did something, I always felt that this time, this one time, would be the time that I wouldn’t be good. I wouldn’t even consider the possibility that I may have done it 10 times in the past.

So now I am in this engagement of doing this, and those doubts and fears start creeping in. Can I do it? Will I be able to? The gears and motors are spinning in my head, and I can see how easy it is to just continue to add to that motion, to add more to those fears. Yet now, after working on myself with Reiki, and this healing journey, I see how I can cut them off. I can not add to them. I see that I do not need to give them fire and fuel. I do not need to allow them to rob me of my peace, and my happiness. I allowed myself to face my fears and overcome my doubts and go out into the world and do what I was intending to do that day. And you know what? Against my brains odds I did go out and do those readings, and I did well with them. I made a choice that day, to either go out there and face my fears or to turn away and hide. I chose to confront them and overcome them, and not allow them to stop me that day. It was a victory and a well earned one.

So many battles I waged in the past where I chose to not confront them and chose to hide. I am not choosing to live my life. This was a victory for myself and it was one well earned. Will those doubts be gone the next time I go out? No, they will not. That will in time diminish and I will grow more confident and stronger in myself and believing in myself. These wounds are deep, as most of them are for someone like me, so I know I have to be gentle with myself and give myself. I have hope now, and I am getting stronger and stronger each day. I am gaining the strength and the courage to face my fears and my demons and I am all the better for it.