It has been a while since I have written anything on this blog. Yet it’s not for a lack of not going anywhere or doing anything. In fact, I have been all over the place these days, and have been really busy. I’m loving every moment of it. I just have not had much to write about and also have not had the time to really sit down and write.
Lately I have been doing some introspection on myself as I do that quite a lot. This journey, and this blog, have been about the healing of my life, and changing it for the better. The other day I was having some quiet time to myself and really just pondering on my life, my journey, how far I have come, and in letting go of things that no longer serve my highest good. And in letting go of those things, I was learning to empower myself. Which is what those experiences have been for me. They have been lessons that have taught me so much. Albeit many of them were painful, they still helped me become the person I am today. Through it all I have come to love myself for the first time, in my life. In doing so I have also come to the realization that, “it is OK to be me.” When I came to that, I was taken aback, at how powerful it is, yet how simple it is.
I have come to see that much of my life I had become a conformer to those around me who influenced me in not so positive ways. They were people that brought me down, whether they were intentional or not, they succeeded in causing me to become someone I wasn’t, but I thought I was. These were people that came in all shapes and sizes in my life, from school teachers, to relationships, to “friends” over the years. Random people on Internet forums. All telling me how things should be, or how I should do things, or how I should react to them. When you don’t know any better, you start to believe them. It lowers your self esteem and you start to doubt yourself and your abilities. Their way of being becomes yours, and you basically become defeated, wounded, and in many cases defeated. You no longer cease to exist how you were created, but become this Frankenstein creation of their design.
I will be the first to tell you, it’s not a good way of living. Yet it becomes our only way of living because we think it’s right. Because they told us it was. We hardly ever stop and think, well maybe they were wrong. For many of us that become wounded, we are not strong enough to stand up to them and stand firm within ourselves. At the time, I did not. I just shied away, and shut down. Building up wall, after wall, to protect myself, without even really realizing I was doing it.
I could have chosen to accept their reality was the only way to be. I could have chosen to stay that way. And lived their life. Miserable in the process. Shut down and defeated. (You probably would not be reading this blog right now if I did.) Or I could have set out to change everything and be so much more than I could have ever imagined. I chose the latter. I chose a better life. It was not easy. It has been a roller coaster of a journey over the past two years and I have loved every moment of it. I chose to heal my life. I choose to work at myself. I chose to really look at myself, the way I was living, and really work to make changes. To heal. To free myself of the shackles I was wearing. I had to do it. I had to put in the work. I had to actively do it. I had to actively work at it. I had to hammer away at the walls I had created. Brick by brick. Piece by piece. In time they slowly came down. I opened up more. I become more than I thought I was.
In that process I have learned one big truth of life. That it is OK to be me. It’s OK to like what I like. It’s OK to do what I do. It’s OK to be me. I am a beautiful person, inside and out. I don’t need to conform or settle. When you listen to those who don’t have your best interests at heart it takes you to a place you don’t want to be in, if you allow them to do so. If you give them that power over you. They have no power over us until we give it to them. When we stay strong in our own lights, in ourselves, we see our own worth and what we deserve. And we deserve great things. I am so grateful for those that I have met on this journey, good and bad. It was those “bad” ones that showed me what I don’t want from people. Those good ones helped me to see myself for who I truly was. When I could no longer see it within myself. I am forever thankful for them. They helped find me when I had gotten so lost in life. They were earth angels sent to bring me home. I am glad to finally be home. Now I know my worth. I know what I deserve and now I don’t settle for anything less than that.
Now I work through forgiving those who inadvertently took my light from me, and forgive myself for putting myself in that place. It was all learning and it was all to help me become the person I am today. Now my light is bright and it shines out to all to see.
It’s been a while since I’ve written anything on this blog, I’ve been slacking, and need to get back into writing, and back into adventure mode again. Hard to believe it’s already August, this year has been flying by. Next week will be my birthday, and I will be turning 38. I no longer have to be sad about that, not that I am sad about getting older, in times past, I was sad that I would be getting older and would have nothing to show for it in life. I was not doing anything. Now I can be happy to have an accomplished list of things I am doing with life now. And this weekend was no exception. This weekend was an action packed weekend of adventures and fun.
It started Saturday, when me and my girlfriend were deciding to go to Wildwood to lay on the beach. Oh yes, I have not mentioned that before, during my journey and getting out more, I was able to meet someone incredible, who had become such an important part of my life and journey now, who has helped me in so many ways, of opening up, and helping me go further in life. Before her I was afraid to really have someone in my car together with me, I hated it, if anxiety would happen, I would never want anyone to be there around it, to see it. Thanks to her, I have been able to drive five hours in a car with another person. And that has opened up many doors for me. I had been so afraid to date again, because of my issues, and people in the past not being understanding of it, and breaking up with me because of it. I am thankful to be able to have met someone who is very supportive and encouraging of me, even when I don’t see it myself. For those in my shoes who think they will always be alone and not find someone to make them happy and understand their journey, know that I was the same way, and was able to finally find someone. I had given up on it for a decade. After that time, I was able to find someone. After allowing myself to be open again and interracting with people again.
Of course Mother Nature had different plans for us as the weather was rainy and a little gloomy in the morning, causing us to not head out when we planned to. As the day went on and the sun came out again, we would eventually decide to drive down to Wildwood, while friends were down there. It was a spur of the moment, thing to finally do, after we originally were not going to go. And boy did we make the right choice to head down there and walk the boards. It was nice to be able to just go where ever I wanted to, whenever I wanted to, and go and enjoy myself. We walked the boards and played some games. We did one of those water gun games where you shoot the gun at a target, and it climbs the pole. The buzzer sounded, and I won. Only to see that another gun was faulty, causing them to re-do the race, and I didn’t win the second time. I was robbed out of my prize. I did get vindication by winning a Yoshi out of the claw game, first attempt. After a few hours there we headed home, after a fun night out walking around, and just enjoying life.
We then had every intention to return to Wildwood and sit on the beach the next day, since we didn’t do that the first time, but our plans changed, and we decided to go and walk around South Street in Philadelphia, and walk around Penn’s Landing, with my girl’s parents. We even took one car, where I drove us all. A fear I used to have, and would never do before. People in my car, and those people being my girl’s parents. Double yowzer! I then survived that drive, and we even took the Patco in to Philly. A lot of that is what would normally stress me out in the past, and this was me testing myself all in the process. Pushing myself to see what all I can do. I am able to report I was able to make it into Philly with no issue. The idea of just randomly walking around, anywhere, would have really driven me off the edge. This time I was cool as a cucumber as I walked around the town. All over the place, and for hours with other people. We even really put my limits to the test as we went and ate food as well. Back in the day if I ever went out for whatever reason, you can bet your last dollar, I would have never gotten anything to eat. I would have starved myself instead of giving myself fuel to the fire of my anxiety and stomach issues. Now I can relax and enjoy foods with other people and then walk around. Where we ended up stopping and getting hand scooped ice cream, at Franklin’s, before heading back home. I did not have any ice cream, I gave up all that stuff to be healthy and to help my stomach issues. I don’t regret it because doing so has allowed me to do this type of stuff more easily.
After arriving back at the Patco station and waiting for the train, I started to feel really agitated, and almost felt like I was going to have a full blown anxiety attack, and wanted to run away, and leave everyone. Before I realized it was not my anxiety I was feeling. I am sensitive, and an empath, so I can feel and absorb another person’s energy, and take it on as my own. Something I have just recently learned I could do. I now wonder how many anxiety attacks out of the blue were truly mine, or was the energy of someone else. The energy I was picking up, was really bad. Luckily I was able to send it away, and get away from them, and find my peace and serenity again, and return back home, after another fun day of adventuring.
I am so thankful for this journey, for the people I have met, and those I can now call friends. My life has improved so much, and I can’t imagine my life any other way now.
My journey has been a crazy one over the years. One that was filled with some ups and a ton, ton, ton of downs. I’ve had downs that took me to very, very dark places. Places where I’ve wanted to give up and end my own life. There have been many a time where I have tried to do just that. I’m not proud of those moments but I do not regret them for they are a part of my story. They were very dark times. Those times have taught me a lot and shown me that I had a lot of strength within me that I didn’t even know I had. I learned I had even more in me when I set out on taking a weekly adventure for a whole year. It has not been an easy journey. I have struggled a lot. More than I would care to admit. I am not perfect and I have many flaws and faults.
During the past couple of months I have done lots of healing on myself. Taking down the walls I put up to keep myself safe and opening up more to others and my abilities. Doing all of that I have come to realize just how wounded I was. Just how shut down I was. How hurt I was and how depressed I had been for a long time now. How I had basically shut down myself so I would no longer be hurt. It become too much on my empathic self that I closed down the world so the world would not hurt me anymore.
The old me wants to just run away from it all. Shut down and push people away and out of my life. I had spent my whole life being alone and isolated from my anxiety that I am so used to being alone and taking care of my self on my own. Or at least faking it for as long as I could. Yet that is not the person I want to be anymore. That life sucks. Point blank. As much as we like being alone and on our own. It is a heavy burden to carry. We are social people and we need that connection from others. So instead of doing that, shutting down, I will work through it all. As much as I can and as much as I can handle.
They say it’s best to get it out of us and off our chests so I will use this blog as an outlet to vent, to ramble, and to just share whatever it is that I am thinking or feeling at the time. There is 37 years of crazy, shut down stuff in there, and it’s time I get it out of me and let go.
Losing friends and people you think you are in love with does a lot more on a person than you ever realized. At least it did for me. I am thankful now that I have those in my life that love me and want me to be happy and are there for me. It’s a new thing to have those kind of people in my life. I am so thankful for that. So thankful for them.
I just pray that I don’t push them away like I’ve pushed away so many else in my life.
This week I got to be reminded of how fortunate I am to have such good people in my life. People I can call friends. For so long that term was used so seldom. Now I am blessed to have many in my life that support me, are there for me, understand me, and just allow me to be me. Not wanting me to be someone I am not. This week I got to spend a few nights hanging out with them, just laughing, telling stories, and bettering ourselves. For that I am grateful.
I have many walls still in place, and I have lots of work to do on me to take down my dependence on those walls. I believe and know I can be free of them. Now I am fortunate to have those willing to help me, and are there enjoying that ride with me. Watching me grow and become a better person. Truthfully I probably could not have done it without them. So I wanted to take a moment to just thank them for coming into my life, teaching me, and growing with me. I look forward to where life takes us all in our journeys.
I am thankful that just two years ago, I was so anxious, so fearful, so broken, that I couldn’t even be out with friends in a place for a few hours just shooting the breeze all night like. And yesterday I did just that. I have come so far and am so thankful for it all.
Tomorrow I will have a write up of my weekly adventures. I have many more stories to tell with this blog, and hopefully I can start writing more. I’ll keep this post short.
One last note if you are looking for something to watch I recommend, Stranger Things, on Netflix. It is a wonderful show that really just draws you in to keep on watching it, without even realizing they are doing it. It’s an odd, strange, and bizarre show, that starts off slow, but really picks up, and hooks you, in episode 4 and on. So check it out, I love the way they captured the 80’s in, and the nerd in me loved the Dungeons and Dragon’s references. Speaking of which, I am off to watch the old animated series. Enjoy your weekend.
Yesterday I had the privledge of finding myself embarking on a mid week adventure with some friends. After the week I was having, I certainly needed it. After having to get up at 2 in the morning twice in a row for work, one being canceled from a now show, I certainly needed some fun. And boy did I get some. I almost did not make it there as you can imagine I was exhausted. Which was throwing my stomach off majorly and I just wanted to sleep. I am glad that I pushed myself forward with it. This whole journey has been about pushing myself, so I could not let myself be pushed back. I had to keep going, and boy was it worth it. It’s crazy to imagine how two years ago I would have allowed myself to be pushed over, and ran away from this. It’s nice to have stood my ground and went to this.
The night started out in Mastori’s diner in bordentown, where we all Meetup, had dinner, and enjoyed some laughs. There were many, many laughs had. When we are all together that is just what happens. Being around people like that, really bring out the best in you. We just raise up each other, and increase our vibrations from the fun we have. I truly think that is what helped me get through the night, when my stomach was off, and I was tired. It was so much fun with each other, that the energy we had, was so light, it radiated this warm healing energy, that just helped me feel better last night. When I got there, I was a little rough around the edges, but being around these wonderful people really helped me. I am thankful for that and staying when I was almost going to leave.
And then after dinner, we all headed over to Martel’s Christmas House, to look at and enjoy some Christmas decorations and lights. Only one of has had been there before and knew what it was about, the rest of us, had no idea. I don’t think we could have even imagined what this place would be like. It was incredible it truly was. There were so many decorations, and ornaments, and lights, it was truly breathtaking. What breath was left anyways as it was cold out there. From what I learned about this place is that there people run it, a family I believe. They start in September and just set it all up. I can not imagine the amount of man hours it would take to do something like this. They are truly dedicated to their craft.
We had a lot of fun walking around, laughing, enjoying each other’s company, and enjoying the festive lights. I am glad that I stuck with it and enjoyed a wonderful night out with friends. Something I truly needed it.
I feel much better today, happy again, and feeling light. I am continuing to work with and connect with Reiki and that is creating a wonderful sense of wholeness and health within me. As I work with those energies more, I will talk about my experiences in a later post. It was a fun night and tonight I will see some of them again for a holiday Meetup. This week started off rough and is getting much better. Then the week will end with the new Star Wars movie Rogue One.