Setting out to heal myself has been such a liberating journey for myself. It’s also been a scary one, and a hard one at times. It’s hard in the sense that to heal ourselves we also need to confront ourselves. Confront the way we have been living. And we have to learn to accept ourselves for who we are. That last part is one of the hardest things we will do.
Accept ourselves. Accept things have happened to us, and are part of our growth and learning. Hopefully we learn from our missteps and stumbles in life. It’s easy to just sit there and wish we did this or that differently. What if we tried harder? What if we were nicer, or funnier, or better looking. What if. What if. There comes a time in our lives that we must accept that what has happened to us. Happened. And perhaps it could not have happened any other way. We can learn, in time, to let go. Many of us, myself included, want to control so much of our lives. That we sometimes forget that much is out of our hands, and all we can do is just enjoy the ride.
My journey has been a powerful journey for myself and has revolved around healing myself from the inside out. Not just with the physical issues I have faced with my body, but with the emotional healing of the mind and spirit.
That was the healing I was not expecting but was the healing I truly needed. Being a male we are told from an early age, that “boys don’t cry.” That we have to be men. And act like men. We have to be tough. This is what society dictates of us men. We have to be rough, rugged, and tough. On the inside, and it’s not OK to have feelings. If you do, just suppress them, and ignore them. As an adult if you tell a kid something he’s going to believe you. So as a kid we are always trying so hard to grow up so fast. We want to be adults. We want to stay up late. We want to do the adult things, whatever they are, we want to do them. So we stop enjoying the things about life that kids enjoy. Do the things kids do and love. If I could have fully understood that being an adult meant getting a job, and paying bills, I would have stayed a kid forever.
It’s been quite a time since I’ve written anything. Yet, my life has been a constant influx of things left and right. As I take myself out further than I could ever imagine. This year has been extremely busy for myself. I have been all over the place. Going here and there. It’s been so busy the year has just blown right on past me. I can hardly believe that the year is winding down already. It seems like the year just started the other day. Yet it’s almost December.
I had no idea where this year was going to take me. I just played it by year and let it take me to where it wanted to take me. And boy, did it take me places. There was so many first in this year. I attend many events and workshops this year. Things I would never have dreamed of attending before. Yet, I did so many, I can’t even keep count of them all. The most surprising of them all is at many of those events I had a table doing card readings for people. Something I never thought I would ever have the courage do to in front of people. Yet this year I did, and many of them I did.
This year has been all about going beyond my limits and trailblazing a life of my dreams. I took the hold of the reigns of my life and just took a ride through the wilds, and held on, and let the sled take me. I think I may have watched Rise of the Guardians one too many times there. Everyone loves the sleigh. For so long I spent my life thinking I couldn’t do this or I couldn’t go there. It was scary and so liberating to prove myself wrong. On what I could and couldn’t do. I tried. I pushed. I struggled at times. I got scared and wanted to quit. But that would have been too easy. I pushed even more. I pushed myself because I knew I could do it. I could step up and take charge so to speak. Living with anxiety for so long, I knew how easy it would be to just run away. To give into fear. To shut down. I knew to do so. Would open that door again. That door out of doing anything. That was not the world I was going back to. That was not the life I was going to live anymore.
I decided to blaze trails I had never blazed before. Do things I never thought I could. Things I didn’t think I was good enough to do. Yet I saw the only one that said I couldn’t, was me. This year saw my getting my own tables at events. As well as sharing tables with a good friend(s). This year has saw me step out of my comfort zone and onto a screen so to speak, and do FB live video in front of many people, where I do love angel card readings for people. Which has now become an every other week thing. I have stepped out even further and this weekend I gave a talk in front of people, about the healing powers of crystals, and connecting with the Angels. I would never have thought of doing such a thing. Not because of a fear of public speaking. Just a fear of myself and being good enough to do that. Yet, I pushed through that fear. Even though I wanted to run away and not even attend that event. Yet I went, and did the talk, and people enjoyed that, and would love to see more in the talk. Which now opens more doors for me to doing a longer talk. All because I chose to live the life I choose to live. I choose to blaze my own life. To whatever I wanted to do. And it has been an incredible journey to so many new things and people.
I look forward to where life can take me. What I can do next. Because so many doors are finally opening for me, and it feels incredible. I will be giving that talk again next month, and this time, I will be more at ease at it, and I will have much more to say. Because there is much for me to say and share. And I look forward to doing so.
If you have not seen the FB page, you can check it out, and see past videos, as well as upcoming events I will be at.
In the USA this week is Thanksgiving, and I have so much to be thankful for. This has been an incredible year for me. I plan to make next year even more so.
It has been a while since I have written anything on this blog. Yet it’s not for a lack of not going anywhere or doing anything. In fact, I have been all over the place these days, and have been really busy. I’m loving every moment of it. I just have not had much to write about and also have not had the time to really sit down and write.
Lately I have been doing some introspection on myself as I do that quite a lot. This journey, and this blog, have been about the healing of my life, and changing it for the better. The other day I was having some quiet time to myself and really just pondering on my life, my journey, how far I have come, and in letting go of things that no longer serve my highest good. And in letting go of those things, I was learning to empower myself. Which is what those experiences have been for me. They have been lessons that have taught me so much. Albeit many of them were painful, they still helped me become the person I am today. Through it all I have come to love myself for the first time, in my life. In doing so I have also come to the realization that, “it is OK to be me.” When I came to that, I was taken aback, at how powerful it is, yet how simple it is.
I have come to see that much of my life I had become a conformer to those around me who influenced me in not so positive ways. They were people that brought me down, whether they were intentional or not, they succeeded in causing me to become someone I wasn’t, but I thought I was. These were people that came in all shapes and sizes in my life, from school teachers, to relationships, to “friends” over the years. Random people on Internet forums. All telling me how things should be, or how I should do things, or how I should react to them. When you don’t know any better, you start to believe them. It lowers your self esteem and you start to doubt yourself and your abilities. Their way of being becomes yours, and you basically become defeated, wounded, and in many cases defeated. You no longer cease to exist how you were created, but become this Frankenstein creation of their design.
I will be the first to tell you, it’s not a good way of living. Yet it becomes our only way of living because we think it’s right. Because they told us it was. We hardly ever stop and think, well maybe they were wrong. For many of us that become wounded, we are not strong enough to stand up to them and stand firm within ourselves. At the time, I did not. I just shied away, and shut down. Building up wall, after wall, to protect myself, without even really realizing I was doing it.
I could have chosen to accept their reality was the only way to be. I could have chosen to stay that way. And lived their life. Miserable in the process. Shut down and defeated. (You probably would not be reading this blog right now if I did.) Or I could have set out to change everything and be so much more than I could have ever imagined. I chose the latter. I chose a better life. It was not easy. It has been a roller coaster of a journey over the past two years and I have loved every moment of it. I chose to heal my life. I choose to work at myself. I chose to really look at myself, the way I was living, and really work to make changes. To heal. To free myself of the shackles I was wearing. I had to do it. I had to put in the work. I had to actively do it. I had to actively work at it. I had to hammer away at the walls I had created. Brick by brick. Piece by piece. In time they slowly came down. I opened up more. I become more than I thought I was.
In that process I have learned one big truth of life. That it is OK to be me. It’s OK to like what I like. It’s OK to do what I do. It’s OK to be me. I am a beautiful person, inside and out. I don’t need to conform or settle. When you listen to those who don’t have your best interests at heart it takes you to a place you don’t want to be in, if you allow them to do so. If you give them that power over you. They have no power over us until we give it to them. When we stay strong in our own lights, in ourselves, we see our own worth and what we deserve. And we deserve great things. I am so grateful for those that I have met on this journey, good and bad. It was those “bad” ones that showed me what I don’t want from people. Those good ones helped me to see myself for who I truly was. When I could no longer see it within myself. I am forever thankful for them. They helped find me when I had gotten so lost in life. They were earth angels sent to bring me home. I am glad to finally be home. Now I know my worth. I know what I deserve and now I don’t settle for anything less than that.
Now I work through forgiving those who inadvertently took my light from me, and forgive myself for putting myself in that place. It was all learning and it was all to help me become the person I am today. Now my light is bright and it shines out to all to see.
Today was one of those days that was very impromptu, but at the same time very needed. I just had to get out. I just had to go on an adventure. I need it. It has been too long since my last adventure and it was much needed for me to go. So I did what I needed to do. I went out and had some fun, and it was much needed. Of course this journey was a solo journey, but I just had to get out. So I wasted no time in getting out.
Last weekend I went to St Rita’s Shrine in Philadelphia with my girl friend, and enjoying the place we visited I opted to return to a similar place as we went to last weekend. Of course I will add I am not a religious person. In fact I do not agree with the church in many of its teachings. They use to much fear, and doom and gloom, and not enough love and compassion for people. Growing up for a few years, I was an altar boy, and even attended Catholic school, per my parents. But I never found any connection or calling to the church. It never really did anything for me. As I grew older I become more spiritual and followed the ways of Spirit, and love. I do still connect with the angels, such as Archangel Michael, Raphael, Gabriel, etc, and with love, that to me, is God. Faith is a personal thing, so what works for you, is what works for you. So it may seem surprising that I would go to a shrine, or a chapel. I will not deny that churches are beautifully designed. As an artist myself I can enjoy places that are beautiful. These shrines are no exception to that.
After last week’s fun, I decided to go to another shrine. This time it was The World Apostolate of Fatima, in Asbury NJ. While I may not connect to the church these days, going to catholic school has given me a basic understanding of such places, and people of interest in that faith. While I may not connect with the church, and religion for that matter, I do connect with Mother Mary. Believe it or not Mother Mary has played a huge role in my life in changing things around. Back before I really had my awakening, and really changed my life around, it was dreams I had of Mother Mary that really woke me up, and started to bring new things into my life. I had not been much of a believer in my life, or even strong in faith, until that time. When I had those dreams. It was only natural that I visit a shrine dedicated to her apparition in Fatima one hundred years ago. It was on the 99th anniversary of that apparition, that I had the dreams about her, so it was even more memorable for me to visit her shrine. It has been this journey that has shown me the world, and living, is so much bigger than I could have ever imagined or fathomed.
This place was incredible. The energy, and atmosphere was lovely. The place was larger than I could have imagined. There is a lot of land, and property, and big open spaces to walk around, and just take it all in. There was a path, or two, or three to take, where you could see statues, and plaques, of the stations of the cross. Where you can sit down, and just pay your respect, or meditate, pray. Whatever the mood struck to you. Each station is replicated with a statue depicting the various stations. After you walk the path, there is also a rosary path. Which, I would only imagine is for praying the rosary, which Mother Mary is associated with… Or, its a path for people named Rose. In all honesty, that wasn’t clear.
After walking the paths for about an hour or so, I kind of lost track of time, as I got engrossed in it all. I headed up towards another little building, which is said to be a replica of the chapel from around where she made her apparition so long ago. Where I lit a candle. I then checked out the gift shop before heading back home. And driving the hour and a half drive back. Where not even Google Maps could figure out where it was going. I did not see the whole place, while there. Even after spending 2 hours there, I did not check out the chapel itself, and another building that was there. I guess I will have to make another trip out there. It was a lovely outing and I had a lot of fun there. Surprisingly. Will I start singing, kumbaya? Doubtful, but you never know. I will say as a child going to church with my family, they used to have live music, and someone would play the acoustic guitar. It was then that I fell in love with the acoustic guitar, and always wanted to learn to play it. I begged and begged my parents to buy me a guitar, and one day they did… Turns out my laziness trumped my desire to play the guitar. True story.
After visiting there, I stopped by some friends at their shop, and hung out with them, and just had some lovely conversation. And now I sit here and smile, thinking how far I have come, and how much I have changed my life for the better. How at one time this was not even possible for me. I am blessed and thankful for every step of it, and those that have come into my life and blessed me even more.
That’s it for this week’s adventure.
Wanting to heal my life has become a normal part of my life these days. I have spent the past two years doing just that, healing my life. However that was not always the way it was. And for many other people in these shoes, or similar shoes, healing their life is not part of it. In my opinion it is why so Kant people become frustrated with their lives and stuck in ruts. I know from personal experience what it is like to be in a rut that one feels like they can never climb out of.
The biggest setback people have in making real change within themselves is a lack of wanting to heal and change. Change can be very scary. We don’t know what is beyond our comfort zones and beyond what we see as true for us. Everything else is unknown and that unknown scares the crap out of us. I could have just went out that one day, and then, been done with it, had I not have had a desire to heal myself and change myself. Changing myself is part of healing. It will become the result of healing I should say. The more we heal and let go, the more we change and become better than what we thought we were. Because we become so much more than we ever dreamed we could be.
For many people they struggle with this concept because they refuse to change who they are. They like who they are. But most times, who they are is lacking so much. In my experience two years ago I thought I knew who I was, turns out, I had no idea who I am, because it’s a never ending journey of self discovery and learning. That is what life is all about. Learning, experiencing, and growing. If we stop that, we might as well be dead, because we are no longer living life.
Life truly is a mystery because you never know where it will take you and it will always give you what you are wanting to experience in some way, shape, or form. We have no control over what happens to us, for the most part, but we can control how we react to it and grow and learn from it. Most of us fight and struggle with that, and end up living a life they are not happy with.
To get to where I am today, I had to let go of everything I thought I was, to make room for what I wanted to be. I had to desire to heal my life from the inside out. That has been the most instrumental in healing my anxiety and fear. Was healing myself, taking my walls down, and opening up to who I truly can become. That person is so much better than the person I thought I was, and the person I will become tomorrow, will be even more so.
It all starts with that desire to heal ourselves and our lives. It is what propels us forward to new things and growing even more in life. When we have that desire to heal, that desire to change ourselves, and be willing and open to change whatever we need to, we will find that we can move mountains within our lives to accomplish things we set out to do. It all starts with us. We have to want it. No one else can do it for us. They can guide us and teach us, and show us much, but it all comes down to us wanting to do it. We have to make those changes. We have to put in the time and the work. Then we can watch it all spiral from there. Trust me, it will spiral and grow in ways we never even thought possible. Once we light that one spark within ourselves, it will grow to a fire of epic proportions and life will be so much more for us. And we are worth that and more. We are worthy and deserving of good things and being happy. We have to allow ourselves to be so.
Most people who struggle with anxiety have a lack of belief in themselves. They doubt what they can do. Those fears and insecurities have become such a strong presence within their mind that that is all they see and believe. It’s their normal thought processes. To release that they need to heal themselves. They need to heal that doubt. That disbelief. Once they do that they will find they are better able to manage their anxiety. Without wanting to heal themselves and their thinking those patterns of fear will always continue to play out. Is it a process that will just happen overnight. No, it will take time. Healing takes time, patience, and love. But it’s so worth it if we are willing to give it our attention.
So today, do something good for yourself. Decide you want to heal your life and allow it to change. You will be surprised where it will take you. I know I am. It all starts with us.
It’s been a while since I’ve written anything on this blog, I’ve been slacking, and need to get back into writing, and back into adventure mode again. Hard to believe it’s already August, this year has been flying by. Next week will be my birthday, and I will be turning 38. I no longer have to be sad about that, not that I am sad about getting older, in times past, I was sad that I would be getting older and would have nothing to show for it in life. I was not doing anything. Now I can be happy to have an accomplished list of things I am doing with life now. And this weekend was no exception. This weekend was an action packed weekend of adventures and fun.
It started Saturday, when me and my girlfriend were deciding to go to Wildwood to lay on the beach. Oh yes, I have not mentioned that before, during my journey and getting out more, I was able to meet someone incredible, who had become such an important part of my life and journey now, who has helped me in so many ways, of opening up, and helping me go further in life. Before her I was afraid to really have someone in my car together with me, I hated it, if anxiety would happen, I would never want anyone to be there around it, to see it. Thanks to her, I have been able to drive five hours in a car with another person. And that has opened up many doors for me. I had been so afraid to date again, because of my issues, and people in the past not being understanding of it, and breaking up with me because of it. I am thankful to be able to have met someone who is very supportive and encouraging of me, even when I don’t see it myself. For those in my shoes who think they will always be alone and not find someone to make them happy and understand their journey, know that I was the same way, and was able to finally find someone. I had given up on it for a decade. After that time, I was able to find someone. After allowing myself to be open again and interracting with people again.
Of course Mother Nature had different plans for us as the weather was rainy and a little gloomy in the morning, causing us to not head out when we planned to. As the day went on and the sun came out again, we would eventually decide to drive down to Wildwood, while friends were down there. It was a spur of the moment, thing to finally do, after we originally were not going to go. And boy did we make the right choice to head down there and walk the boards. It was nice to be able to just go where ever I wanted to, whenever I wanted to, and go and enjoy myself. We walked the boards and played some games. We did one of those water gun games where you shoot the gun at a target, and it climbs the pole. The buzzer sounded, and I won. Only to see that another gun was faulty, causing them to re-do the race, and I didn’t win the second time. I was robbed out of my prize. I did get vindication by winning a Yoshi out of the claw game, first attempt. After a few hours there we headed home, after a fun night out walking around, and just enjoying life.
We then had every intention to return to Wildwood and sit on the beach the next day, since we didn’t do that the first time, but our plans changed, and we decided to go and walk around South Street in Philadelphia, and walk around Penn’s Landing, with my girl’s parents. We even took one car, where I drove us all. A fear I used to have, and would never do before. People in my car, and those people being my girl’s parents. Double yowzer! I then survived that drive, and we even took the Patco in to Philly. A lot of that is what would normally stress me out in the past, and this was me testing myself all in the process. Pushing myself to see what all I can do. I am able to report I was able to make it into Philly with no issue. The idea of just randomly walking around, anywhere, would have really driven me off the edge. This time I was cool as a cucumber as I walked around the town. All over the place, and for hours with other people. We even really put my limits to the test as we went and ate food as well. Back in the day if I ever went out for whatever reason, you can bet your last dollar, I would have never gotten anything to eat. I would have starved myself instead of giving myself fuel to the fire of my anxiety and stomach issues. Now I can relax and enjoy foods with other people and then walk around. Where we ended up stopping and getting hand scooped ice cream, at Franklin’s, before heading back home. I did not have any ice cream, I gave up all that stuff to be healthy and to help my stomach issues. I don’t regret it because doing so has allowed me to do this type of stuff more easily.
After arriving back at the Patco station and waiting for the train, I started to feel really agitated, and almost felt like I was going to have a full blown anxiety attack, and wanted to run away, and leave everyone. Before I realized it was not my anxiety I was feeling. I am sensitive, and an empath, so I can feel and absorb another person’s energy, and take it on as my own. Something I have just recently learned I could do. I now wonder how many anxiety attacks out of the blue were truly mine, or was the energy of someone else. The energy I was picking up, was really bad. Luckily I was able to send it away, and get away from them, and find my peace and serenity again, and return back home, after another fun day of adventuring.
I am so thankful for this journey, for the people I have met, and those I can now call friends. My life has improved so much, and I can’t imagine my life any other way now.