happiness

It’s OK to be me. 

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It has been a while since I have written anything on this blog. Yet it’s not for a lack of not going anywhere or doing anything. In fact, I have been all over the place these days, and have been really busy. I’m loving every moment of it. I just have not had much to write about and also have not had the time to really sit down and write. 

Lately I have been doing some introspection on myself as I do that quite a lot. This journey, and this blog, have been about the healing of my life, and changing it for the better. The other day I was having some quiet time to myself and really just pondering on my life, my journey, how far I have come, and in letting go of things that no longer serve my highest good. And in letting go of those things, I was learning to empower myself. Which is what those experiences have been for me. They have been lessons that have taught me so much. Albeit many of them were painful, they still helped me become the person I am today. Through it all I have come to love myself for the first time, in my life. In doing so I have also come to the realization that, “it is OK to be me.” When I came to that, I was taken aback, at how powerful it is, yet how simple it is. 

I have come to see that much of my life I had become a conformer to those around me who influenced me in not so positive ways. They were people that brought me down, whether they were intentional or not, they succeeded in causing me to become someone I wasn’t, but I thought I was. These were people that came in all shapes and sizes in my life, from school teachers, to relationships, to “friends” over the years. Random people on Internet forums. All telling me how things should be, or how I should do things, or how I should react to them. When you don’t know any better, you start to believe them. It lowers your self esteem and you start to doubt yourself and your abilities. Their way of being becomes yours, and you basically become defeated, wounded, and in many cases defeated. You no longer cease to exist how you were created, but become this Frankenstein creation of their design. 

I will be the first to tell you, it’s not a good way of living. Yet it becomes our only way of living because we think it’s right. Because they told us it was. We hardly ever stop and think, well maybe they were wrong. For many of us that become wounded, we are not strong enough to stand up to them and stand firm within ourselves. At the time, I did not. I just shied away, and shut down. Building up wall, after wall, to protect myself, without even really realizing I was doing it. 

I could have chosen to accept their reality was the only way to be. I could have chosen to stay that way. And lived their life. Miserable in the process. Shut down and defeated. (You probably would not be reading this blog right now if I did.) Or I could have set out to change everything and be so much more than I could have ever imagined. I chose the latter. I chose a better life. It was not easy. It has been a roller coaster of a journey over the past two years and I have loved every moment of it. I chose to heal my life. I choose to work at myself. I chose to really look at myself, the way I was living, and really work to make changes. To heal. To free myself of the shackles I was wearing. I had to do it. I had to put in the work. I had to actively do it. I had to actively work at it. I had to hammer away at the walls I had created. Brick by brick. Piece by piece. In time they slowly came down. I opened up more. I become more than I thought I was. 

In that process I have  learned one big truth of life. That it is OK to be me. It’s OK to like what I like. It’s OK to do what I do. It’s OK to be me. I am a beautiful person, inside and out. I don’t need to conform or settle. When you listen to those who don’t have your best interests at heart it takes you to a place you don’t want to be in, if you allow them to do so. If you give them that power over you. They have no power over us until we give it to them. When we stay strong in our own lights, in ourselves, we see our  own worth and what we deserve. And we deserve great things. I am so grateful for those that I have met on this journey, good and bad. It was those “bad” ones that showed me what I don’t want from people. Those good ones helped me to see myself for who I truly was. When I could no longer see it within myself. I am forever thankful for them. They helped find me when I had gotten so lost in life. They were earth angels sent to bring me home. I am glad to finally be home. Now I know my worth. I know what I deserve and now I don’t settle for anything less than that. 

Now I work through forgiving those who inadvertently took my light from me, and forgive myself for putting myself in that place. It was all learning and it was all to help me become the person I am today. Now my light is bright and it shines out to all to see. 

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Adventure Time: World Apostolate of Fatima

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Today was one of those days that was very impromptu, but at the same time very needed. I just had to get out. I just had to go on an adventure. I need it. It has been too long since my last adventure and it was much needed for me to go. So I did what I needed to do. I went out and had some fun, and it was much needed. Of course this journey was a solo journey, but I just had to get out. So I wasted no time in getting out.

Last weekend I went to St Rita’s Shrine in Philadelphia with my girl friend, and enjoying the place we visited I opted to return to a similar place as we went to last weekend. Of course I will add I am not a religious person. In fact I do not agree with the church in many of its teachings. They use to much fear, and doom and gloom, and not enough love and compassion for people. Growing up for a few years, I was an altar boy, and even attended Catholic school, per my parents. But I never found any connection or calling to the church. It never really did anything for me. As I grew older I become more spiritual and followed the ways of Spirit, and love. I do still connect with the angels, such as Archangel Michael, Raphael, Gabriel, etc, and with love, that to me, is God. Faith is a personal thing, so what works for you, is what works for you. So it may seem surprising that I would go to a shrine, or a chapel. I will not deny that churches are beautifully designed. As an artist myself I can enjoy places that are beautiful. These shrines are no exception to that.

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After last week’s fun, I decided to go to another shrine. This time it was The World Apostolate of Fatima, in Asbury NJ. While I may not connect to the church these days, going to catholic school has given me a basic understanding of such places, and people of interest in that faith. While I may not connect with the church, and religion for that matter, I do connect with Mother Mary. Believe it or not Mother Mary has played a huge role in my life in changing things around. Back before I really had my awakening, and really changed my life around, it was dreams I had of Mother Mary that really woke me up, and started to bring new things into my life. I had not been much of a believer in my life, or even strong in faith, until that time. When I had those dreams. It was only natural that I visit a shrine dedicated to her apparition in Fatima one hundred years ago. It was on the 99th anniversary of that apparition, that I had the dreams about her, so it was even more memorable for me to visit her shrine. It has been this journey that has shown me the world, and living, is so much bigger than I could have ever imagined or fathomed.

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This place was incredible. The energy, and atmosphere was lovely. The place was larger than I could have imagined. There is a lot of land, and property, and big open spaces to walk around, and just take it all in. There was a path, or two, or three to take, where you could see statues, and plaques, of the stations of the cross. Where you can sit down, and just pay your respect, or meditate, pray. Whatever the mood struck to you. Each station is replicated with a statue depicting the various stations. After you walk the path, there is also a rosary path. Which, I would only imagine is for praying the rosary, which Mother Mary is associated with… Or, its a path for people named Rose. In all honesty, that wasn’t clear.

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Mother Mary

After walking the paths for about an hour or so, I kind of lost track of time, as I got engrossed in it all. I headed up towards another little building, which is said to be a replica of the chapel from around where she made her apparition so long ago. Where I lit a candle. I then checked out the gift shop before heading back home. And driving the hour and a half drive back. Where not even Google Maps could figure out where it was going. I did not see the whole place, while there. Even after spending 2 hours there, I did not check out the chapel itself, and another building that was there. I guess I will have to make another trip out there. It was a lovely outing and I had a lot of fun there. Surprisingly. Will I start singing, kumbaya? Doubtful, but you never know. I will say as a child going to church with my family, they used to have live music, and someone would play the acoustic guitar. It was then that I fell in love with the acoustic guitar, and always wanted to learn to play it. I begged and begged my parents to buy me a guitar, and one day they did… Turns out my laziness trumped my desire to play the guitar. True story.

After visiting there, I stopped by some friends at their shop, and hung out with them, and just had some lovely conversation. And now I sit here and smile, thinking how far I have come, and how much I have changed my life for the better. How at one time this was not even possible for me. I am blessed and thankful for every step of it, and those that have come into my life and blessed me even more.

That’s it for this week’s adventure.

Wanting to heal your life. 

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Wanting to heal my life has become a normal part of my life these days. I have spent the past two years doing just that, healing my life. However that was not always the way it was. And for many other people in these shoes, or similar shoes, healing their life is not part of it. In my opinion it is why so Kant people become frustrated with their lives and stuck in ruts. I know from personal experience what it is like to be in a rut that one feels like they can never climb out of. 

The biggest setback people have in making real change within themselves is a lack of wanting to heal and change. Change can be very scary. We don’t know what is beyond our comfort zones and beyond what we see as true for us. Everything else is unknown and that unknown scares the crap out of us. I could have just went out that one day, and then, been done with it, had I not have had a desire to heal myself and change myself. Changing myself is part of healing. It will become the result of healing I should say. The more we heal and let go, the more we change and become better than what we thought we were. Because we become so much more than we ever dreamed we could be. 

For many people they struggle with this concept because they refuse to change who they are. They like who they are. But most times, who they are is lacking so much. In my experience two years ago I thought I knew who I was, turns out, I had no idea who I am, because it’s a never ending journey of self discovery and learning. That is what life is all about. Learning, experiencing, and growing. If we stop that, we might as well be dead, because we are no longer living life. 

Life truly is a mystery because you never know where it will take you and it will always give you what you are wanting to experience in some way, shape, or form. We have no control over what happens to us, for the most part, but we can control how we react to it and grow and learn from it. Most of us fight and struggle with that, and end up living a life they are not happy with. 

To get to where I am today, I had to let go of everything I thought I was, to make room for what I wanted to be. I had to desire to heal my life from the inside out. That has been the most instrumental in healing my anxiety and fear. Was healing myself, taking my walls down, and opening up to who I truly can become. That person is so much better than the person I thought I was, and the person I will become tomorrow, will be even more so. 

It all starts with that desire to heal ourselves and our lives. It is what propels us forward to new things and growing even more in life. When we have that desire to heal, that desire to change ourselves, and be willing and open to change whatever we need to, we will find that we can move mountains within our lives to accomplish things we set out to do. It all starts with us. We have to want it. No one else can do it for us. They can guide us and teach us, and show us much, but it all comes down to us wanting to do it. We have to make those changes. We have to put in the time and the work. Then we can watch it all spiral from there. Trust me, it will spiral and grow in ways we never even thought possible. Once we light that one spark within ourselves, it will grow to a fire of epic proportions and life will be so much more for us. And we are worth that and more. We are worthy and deserving of good things and being happy. We have to allow ourselves to be so. 

Most people who struggle with anxiety have a lack of belief in themselves. They doubt what they can do. Those fears and insecurities have become such a strong presence within their mind that that is all they see and believe. It’s their normal thought processes. To release that they need to heal themselves. They need to heal that doubt. That disbelief. Once they do that they will find they are better able to manage their anxiety. Without wanting to heal themselves and their thinking those patterns of fear will always continue to play out. Is it a process that will just happen overnight. No, it will take time. Healing takes time, patience, and love. But it’s so worth it if we are willing to give it our attention. 

So today, do something good for yourself. Decide you want to heal your life and allow it to change. You will be surprised where it will take you. I know I am. It all starts with us. 

Adventure time: Wildwood and Penn’s Landing

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It’s been a while since I’ve written  anything on this blog, I’ve been slacking, and need to get back into writing, and back into adventure mode again. Hard to believe it’s already August, this year has been flying by. Next week will be my birthday, and I will be turning 38. I no longer have to be sad about that, not that I am sad about getting older, in times past, I was sad that I would be getting older and would have nothing to show for it in life. I was not doing anything. Now I can be happy to have an accomplished list of things I am  doing with life now. And this weekend was no exception. This weekend was an action packed weekend of adventures and fun. 

It started Saturday, when me and my girlfriend were deciding to go to Wildwood to lay on the beach. Oh yes, I have not mentioned that before, during my journey and getting out more, I was able to meet someone incredible, who had become such an important part of my life and journey now, who has helped me in so many ways, of opening up, and helping me go further in life. Before her I was afraid to really have someone in my car together with me, I hated it, if anxiety would happen, I would never want anyone to be there around it, to see it. Thanks to her, I have been able to drive five hours in a car with another person. And that has opened up many doors for me. I had been so afraid to date again, because of my issues, and people in the past not being understanding of it, and breaking up with me because of it. I am thankful to be able to have met someone who is very supportive and encouraging of me, even when I don’t see it myself. For those in my shoes who think they will always be alone and not find someone to make them happy and understand their journey, know that I was the same way, and was able to finally find someone. I had given up on it for a decade.  After that time, I was able to find someone. After allowing myself to be open again and interracting with people again. 

Of course Mother Nature had different plans for us as the weather was rainy and a little gloomy in the morning, causing us to not head out when we planned to. As the day went on and the sun came out again, we would eventually decide to drive down to Wildwood, while friends were down there. It was a spur of the moment, thing to finally do, after we originally were not going to go. And boy did we make the right choice to head down there and walk the boards. It was nice to be able to just go where ever I wanted to, whenever I wanted to, and go and enjoy myself. We walked the boards and played some games. We did one of those water gun games where you shoot the gun at a target, and it climbs the pole. The buzzer sounded, and I won. Only to see that another gun was faulty, causing them to re-do the race, and I didn’t win the second time. I was robbed out of my prize. I did get vindication by winning a Yoshi out of the claw game, first attempt. After a few hours there we headed home, after a fun night out walking around, and just enjoying life. 


We then had every intention to return to Wildwood and sit on the beach the next day, since we didn’t do that the first time, but our plans changed, and we decided to go and walk around South Street in Philadelphia, and walk around Penn’s Landing, with my girl’s parents. We even took one car, where I drove us all. A fear I used to have, and would never do before. People in my car, and those people being my girl’s parents. Double yowzer! I then survived that drive, and we even took the Patco in to Philly. A lot of that is what would normally stress me out in the past, and this was me testing myself all in the process. Pushing myself to see what all I can do. I am able to report I was able to make it into Philly with no issue. The idea of just randomly walking around, anywhere, would have really driven me off the edge. This time I was cool as a cucumber as I walked around the town. All over the place, and for hours with other people. We even really put my limits to the test as we went and ate food as well. Back in the day if I ever went out for whatever reason, you can bet your last dollar, I would have never gotten anything to eat. I would have starved myself instead of giving myself fuel to the fire of my anxiety and stomach issues. Now I can relax and enjoy foods with other people and then walk around. Where we ended up stopping and getting hand scooped ice cream, at Franklin’s, before heading back home. I did not have any ice cream, I gave up all that stuff to be healthy and to help my stomach issues. I don’t regret it because doing so has allowed me to do this type of stuff more easily. 

After arriving back at the Patco station and waiting for the train, I started to feel really agitated, and almost felt like I was going to have a full blown anxiety attack, and wanted to run away, and leave everyone. Before I realized it was not my anxiety I was feeling. I am sensitive, and an empath, so I can feel and absorb another person’s energy, and take it on as my own. Something I have just recently learned I could do. I now wonder how many anxiety attacks out of the blue were truly mine, or was the energy of someone else. The energy I was picking up, was really bad. Luckily I was able to send it away, and get away from them, and find my peace and serenity again, and return back home, after another fun day of adventuring. 

I am so thankful for this journey, for the people I have met, and those I can now call friends. My life has improved so much, and I can’t imagine my life any other way now. 


This was where we ended up eating on South Street. Not a bad little place. 

Adventures in going out: Week 44.

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The Dukes of Hazard edition.

This weeks adventure has been brought to you by the letter J, and the number 6. This week marked the last week of adventuring of 2016. It’s here, it’s finally here. The last day of the year. Hip Hip, Hooray!

This week was a rough week for me as I was plagued with depression for the first half of the week. As such I was not motivated to do much. So I stayed in my sweatpants and stayed inside playing some Titanfall 2. I’m not normally a FPS fan, but this game was really well done. It was an emotional roller coaster all the way through. I have not ventured into multiplayer as I am not really a multiplayer fan. My gaming of choice is RPG, like some Elder Scrolls, or Diablo 3. I do like a good action/platformer, I loved the Uncharted Franchise. The fourth one was phenomenal, and really finish the story of Drake well. I also enjoyed the original Assassin’s Creed. I love a game, or movie, that can weave it’s story and plot through actual events to make them seem plausible. Like Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Slayer. Of course I really only played the first two AC games, I loved Altair Ibn-La’Ahad, shame he only appears in the one game. The second one was not bad, but felt they become more about puzzle solving and not about the action/adventure of it all. So really stopped playing after that one. I was not really that concerned about building my town, and collecting followers.

Assassin’s creed brings us to this week’s adventure as there is now an Assassin’s Creed movie, that of course, I had to go see it. This movie followed the exploits of a whole new person, and was not connected to characters from the franchise. Overall I thought the movie was done really good as a little action/adventure flick. Now it is based on a video game series which I am familiar with, so have some back story to it. However you don’t need to have played the games to understand what is going on in the movie, and the concept of it. It does a good job using key elements from the games and weaves them wonderfully throughout the movie. I was surprised to see such a star studded cast besides Michael Fassbender, there was Jeremy Irons, and Marion Cottilard. The one thing that could have made this movie better was better character development, to really know the characters more. I would give it three out of five stars.

Later on in the week I would take myself out to the movies again and this time see Sing, by Illumination Entertainment. That also was a pretty good movie. If you are looking for a family movie to go and see right now, take them to see the movie Sing. It is well animated and pretty funny at times, and has a huge cast of people voicing characters. From Seth McFarlane to Scarlett Johansson. Ilumination Entertainment, the group most known for their Minion characters, have been pretty impressive in their other characters as well. Secret Life of Pets, one of their movies, was a good flick as well. However I will say they do not have the character development, story telling, that Pixar has. The range of emotions that Pixar can show in a movie, and sometimes not even using words, case in point the opening of UP. That’s not counting the Cars franchise. I do not know how that one keeps going, and do we really need a Third cars? Overall I would give Sing three out of four stars.

That was it for this week as I relaxed, and enjoyed my vacation, and get ready for the new year. As I set my intentions and goals that I hope to achieve within the new year. I even did my customary tarot reading for myself on what the year will bring. The last two years readings have been spot on in what has panned out. So this year will be another interesting one. I will go deeper into my healing of myself, taking down more walls. As I become more confident, and open, and receptive in the new year. I look to make this year even more better than 2016. Thank you for checking out the blog, liking page, or the Facebook page.

And now I am off to count down the last hours of the year, and wait until the ball drops at midnight. It’s like puberty all over again.

See you in the new year. Hopefully my jokes get better by then. Doubt it.

 

 

11-11: A time for real change. 

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There is a lot going on in the world these days, as we are still reacting to the results of the election, coupled with the full moon coming up. The largest full moon in like 70 years. For us sensitive people that are aware of energy we can certainly feel it these days. While many are still reeling and left confused and hurt right now, it’s a good time to step back and allow yourself to regroup and find your center and find your inner peace. 

Today, is 11-11. 11:11 is an energetic gateway for us. Many people will report seeing that time a lot in their lives. I have seen it many times over the years, and have been seeing it a lot lately. As it is a reminder of the universe about a time of great change for us. Sometimes it’s personal and other times it’s larger than that. It is also about creating our own realities that we wish to see. And that is where we are at in our lives now. The universe gives us many opportunities for various things in our lives to experience what we need to to grow and better ourselves. I’ve seen it so many times within my life. Now it can be seen starting to play out in the world. Many of us can feel it. Now is our time to start creating a better reality for ourselves which will create a better reality within the world. 

I feel what is going on now is  a major wake up call to us all, to change our lives for the better. Our lives are affecting each and everyone of us on the planet. And we know, deep down, we can do so much better. This is an opportunity for us to learn and grow, and grow together, and see us all as fellow travelers on this journey of life.

So be careful with your thoughts for they can become your reality. Now is the time to create a better life and reality for yourself. Start today. 

The courage to face a new adventure.

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This weekend was a blast for me. I had a lot of fun. Yet, at the same time, I had thought it would be a scary weekend for me. As I was going to go out of my comfort zone. Big time. Yet, I realized and found out, it was scarier in my head, than it actual was. Much like a trip to the dentists office… But I am getting ahead of myself let me back up some.

This weekend I was asked to participate in a fundraiser for a friends, friend, that is facing an illness, and they asked me if I would be willing to do angel card readings at it. Instinctively I had to say yes. I knew deep down it would be a good opportunity for me to develop and push myself into new places. It is also something I enjoy doing. Of course as the day drew closer and closer, that ego started to come into play, telling me I would not be good enough. I could not do this, and I can’t do this. That guy is quite the brat. Some says I would like to just give him a wedgie, and call him a jerk to his face. Cause he is a jerk, always picking on me. Trying to keep me down. As the days grew closer to this event, I could see how easy it would have been. To just back out. Feign a sickness, run away to Canada. Whatever it would have taken. Now looking back at this I see what would that have accomplished? It would have given me an out, and then that out would have turned into another out at another time, and another time. Eventually that out would become the norm, and I would never do anything. And that smug little jerk would win. Then he would gloat, and have that stupid grin on his face, and say, “victory is mine.” Like he was Stewie Griffin. I was not gonna let this jerk win, I was not going to let him beat me.

Jack Canfield has a great quote, “everything you want is on the other side of fear.” That was my mantra going into this event, as it was so true. The things we want out of life, and what I wanted out of life, was on the other side of fear. I knew, deep within myself, that I needed to work through this fear. I could not let it overpower me, and cause me to run away. Not anymore. I lived my whole life doing that. I was not going to now. Not ever again if I can. I took some deep breaths, and did a quick grounding meditation. Grounded myself to the earth. Grounded myself to my own power. Let all that fear, anxiety, worry, negative talk, go. Let it all go out of me, into my roots I had created through grounding, and into the earth to be transmuted into positive energies. That helped me more than I thought it would. Within minutes I was feeling calm. Relaxed, and ready to face this new adventure. I was ready for this. I let go wondering and worrying about how it would go, and if I could do it. I was free of those thoughts, and I was present. So much so I was able to help my friend who was also doing angel card readings that day relax and know they could do it as well. Positivity spreads and really brings hope to others.

The event was incredible, the energy, the atmosphere, the turnout was great to see. I was able to do those card readings, without fear, and worry, and was able to do well with them. From what I was told from people afterwards. To see the expressions on the peoples faces that I was reading, reminded me, how I love doing what I am doing. Connecting with people like that. Doing those angel card readings. It was such a positive and loving experience for me to finally be doing something I love. Words can not truly express the feelings I felt then and now. To finally be on this path. To finally be moving. To creating so many new and wonderful experiences. All because I followed my passions and worked to make it happen. And did not listen to that little guy in my head trying to tell me I can’t and to just run away. Life is so much better for me now and I look forward to where it will take me next.

I will get the opportunity to do more card readings again this Sunday and now when it comes, I will not be afraid. I will be ready to embrace this adventure and know it’s changing my life just as much as I am changing another’s life.