It has been a while since I have written anything on this blog. Yet it’s not for a lack of not going anywhere or doing anything. In fact, I have been all over the place these days, and have been really busy. I’m loving every moment of it. I just have not had much to write about and also have not had the time to really sit down and write.
Lately I have been doing some introspection on myself as I do that quite a lot. This journey, and this blog, have been about the healing of my life, and changing it for the better. The other day I was having some quiet time to myself and really just pondering on my life, my journey, how far I have come, and in letting go of things that no longer serve my highest good. And in letting go of those things, I was learning to empower myself. Which is what those experiences have been for me. They have been lessons that have taught me so much. Albeit many of them were painful, they still helped me become the person I am today. Through it all I have come to love myself for the first time, in my life. In doing so I have also come to the realization that, “it is OK to be me.” When I came to that, I was taken aback, at how powerful it is, yet how simple it is.
I have come to see that much of my life I had become a conformer to those around me who influenced me in not so positive ways. They were people that brought me down, whether they were intentional or not, they succeeded in causing me to become someone I wasn’t, but I thought I was. These were people that came in all shapes and sizes in my life, from school teachers, to relationships, to “friends” over the years. Random people on Internet forums. All telling me how things should be, or how I should do things, or how I should react to them. When you don’t know any better, you start to believe them. It lowers your self esteem and you start to doubt yourself and your abilities. Their way of being becomes yours, and you basically become defeated, wounded, and in many cases defeated. You no longer cease to exist how you were created, but become this Frankenstein creation of their design.
I will be the first to tell you, it’s not a good way of living. Yet it becomes our only way of living because we think it’s right. Because they told us it was. We hardly ever stop and think, well maybe they were wrong. For many of us that become wounded, we are not strong enough to stand up to them and stand firm within ourselves. At the time, I did not. I just shied away, and shut down. Building up wall, after wall, to protect myself, without even really realizing I was doing it.
I could have chosen to accept their reality was the only way to be. I could have chosen to stay that way. And lived their life. Miserable in the process. Shut down and defeated. (You probably would not be reading this blog right now if I did.) Or I could have set out to change everything and be so much more than I could have ever imagined. I chose the latter. I chose a better life. It was not easy. It has been a roller coaster of a journey over the past two years and I have loved every moment of it. I chose to heal my life. I choose to work at myself. I chose to really look at myself, the way I was living, and really work to make changes. To heal. To free myself of the shackles I was wearing. I had to do it. I had to put in the work. I had to actively do it. I had to actively work at it. I had to hammer away at the walls I had created. Brick by brick. Piece by piece. In time they slowly came down. I opened up more. I become more than I thought I was.
In that process I have learned one big truth of life. That it is OK to be me. It’s OK to like what I like. It’s OK to do what I do. It’s OK to be me. I am a beautiful person, inside and out. I don’t need to conform or settle. When you listen to those who don’t have your best interests at heart it takes you to a place you don’t want to be in, if you allow them to do so. If you give them that power over you. They have no power over us until we give it to them. When we stay strong in our own lights, in ourselves, we see our own worth and what we deserve. And we deserve great things. I am so grateful for those that I have met on this journey, good and bad. It was those “bad” ones that showed me what I don’t want from people. Those good ones helped me to see myself for who I truly was. When I could no longer see it within myself. I am forever thankful for them. They helped find me when I had gotten so lost in life. They were earth angels sent to bring me home. I am glad to finally be home. Now I know my worth. I know what I deserve and now I don’t settle for anything less than that.
Now I work through forgiving those who inadvertently took my light from me, and forgive myself for putting myself in that place. It was all learning and it was all to help me become the person I am today. Now my light is bright and it shines out to all to see.
For some people one of the hardest things to do is to accept yourself exactly how you are. We have grown up in a society that puts a certain life style a certain look ahead of others. When we do this we place them on to a pedestal that in most cases we can never be. We compare ourselves to what others have and how they look.
For those that are not on that pedestal we see ourselves as being flawed. We feel we are not good looking enough. We don’t make enough money. Eventually we start telling us that we are not good enough. We slowly start to despise and hate ourselves. We find it hard to even look at ourselves in the mirror because we detest what we feel we have become.
I can speak from personal experience of looking at someone else life and wanting and dreaming of having a different life. I can even recall spending countless hours praying for something else and then feeling forsaken because of not receiving it.
Growing up my whole life I have always fought with stomach disorders. I have seen that disorder become a major part of my life as well as a major part of relationships. For some it can be hard to be in a relationship with one that is unable to do certain things. When we go through turbulent times from heart break or down on our luck it becomes natural for us to either fight it or run from it.
Growing up I always found it easier to run from it. Why address it head on? Why bring on more pain? We can always just escape our lives or our realities if we want to. What I didn’t know at the time was that no matter how hard I wanted to run and how far I wanted to go. There was nowhere to run to that was away from myself. For wherever I went I was still there. We can only ignore something for so long before it eventually catches up to us.
For me that catching up was the realization that my life was not a happy one. I had always hoped that if I ignored life then life would ignore me. Unfortunately life is going to happen regardless if we want it to or not. I had always hoped that I could change who I was and be someone else. Reality was I could only be this one person; the person who I am.
The biggest moment of peace came to me when I had the realization that this is who I am and there was no changing that. The acceptance of me as who I am as an individual was the start of inner peace and happiness.
The acceptance of ourselves as who we are does not mean we cannot become something more. Those, like myself, that do not have the best health at times. We can seek out treatment and ways to live a better life. We just have the inner peace of mind with knowing that while we do look for treatment even if we cannot find any treatment that we are great just the way we are with knowing that this is a part of us. Will it always be a part of us? Only time can tell the answer to that question.