It has been a while since I have written anything on this blog. Yet it’s not for a lack of not going anywhere or doing anything. In fact, I have been all over the place these days, and have been really busy. I’m loving every moment of it. I just have not had much to write about and also have not had the time to really sit down and write.
Lately I have been doing some introspection on myself as I do that quite a lot. This journey, and this blog, have been about the healing of my life, and changing it for the better. The other day I was having some quiet time to myself and really just pondering on my life, my journey, how far I have come, and in letting go of things that no longer serve my highest good. And in letting go of those things, I was learning to empower myself. Which is what those experiences have been for me. They have been lessons that have taught me so much. Albeit many of them were painful, they still helped me become the person I am today. Through it all I have come to love myself for the first time, in my life. In doing so I have also come to the realization that, “it is OK to be me.” When I came to that, I was taken aback, at how powerful it is, yet how simple it is.
I have come to see that much of my life I had become a conformer to those around me who influenced me in not so positive ways. They were people that brought me down, whether they were intentional or not, they succeeded in causing me to become someone I wasn’t, but I thought I was. These were people that came in all shapes and sizes in my life, from school teachers, to relationships, to “friends” over the years. Random people on Internet forums. All telling me how things should be, or how I should do things, or how I should react to them. When you don’t know any better, you start to believe them. It lowers your self esteem and you start to doubt yourself and your abilities. Their way of being becomes yours, and you basically become defeated, wounded, and in many cases defeated. You no longer cease to exist how you were created, but become this Frankenstein creation of their design.
I will be the first to tell you, it’s not a good way of living. Yet it becomes our only way of living because we think it’s right. Because they told us it was. We hardly ever stop and think, well maybe they were wrong. For many of us that become wounded, we are not strong enough to stand up to them and stand firm within ourselves. At the time, I did not. I just shied away, and shut down. Building up wall, after wall, to protect myself, without even really realizing I was doing it.
I could have chosen to accept their reality was the only way to be. I could have chosen to stay that way. And lived their life. Miserable in the process. Shut down and defeated. (You probably would not be reading this blog right now if I did.) Or I could have set out to change everything and be so much more than I could have ever imagined. I chose the latter. I chose a better life. It was not easy. It has been a roller coaster of a journey over the past two years and I have loved every moment of it. I chose to heal my life. I choose to work at myself. I chose to really look at myself, the way I was living, and really work to make changes. To heal. To free myself of the shackles I was wearing. I had to do it. I had to put in the work. I had to actively do it. I had to actively work at it. I had to hammer away at the walls I had created. Brick by brick. Piece by piece. In time they slowly came down. I opened up more. I become more than I thought I was.
In that process I have learned one big truth of life. That it is OK to be me. It’s OK to like what I like. It’s OK to do what I do. It’s OK to be me. I am a beautiful person, inside and out. I don’t need to conform or settle. When you listen to those who don’t have your best interests at heart it takes you to a place you don’t want to be in, if you allow them to do so. If you give them that power over you. They have no power over us until we give it to them. When we stay strong in our own lights, in ourselves, we see our own worth and what we deserve. And we deserve great things. I am so grateful for those that I have met on this journey, good and bad. It was those “bad” ones that showed me what I don’t want from people. Those good ones helped me to see myself for who I truly was. When I could no longer see it within myself. I am forever thankful for them. They helped find me when I had gotten so lost in life. They were earth angels sent to bring me home. I am glad to finally be home. Now I know my worth. I know what I deserve and now I don’t settle for anything less than that.
Now I work through forgiving those who inadvertently took my light from me, and forgive myself for putting myself in that place. It was all learning and it was all to help me become the person I am today. Now my light is bright and it shines out to all to see.
This popped up on my timeline today, I wrote it a year ago.
“Just about a year ago, I was in a terrible place in my life. I was unhealthy, out of shape, in a lot of pain emotionally and physcially. I was in a very, very dark place in my life… I then decided to do something about it. Turn my life around. No one was going to do it for me. So I cleaned up my eating, and started running. Within a short amount of time things were changing and improving for me. I was becoming more than I could ever imagine. Within that time I dropped 70 pounds and got into the best shape in my life, I am feeling happy, healthy, and so much light. I am truly, for the first time in my life. Happy. I genuinly am happy to my very core, and I look forward with much optimism to the future and all that it will bring. I don’t wear tank tops, never have. It was not easy sharing a pic of one, even if I do look good. Na na na na na… Batman.”
It’s hard to believe the guy in the left is the same as the guy in the right and that that guy was me at one point in my life. Two years ago I sent out to change my life for the better. I never thought I would get to where I am today. Since I started that journey I have been to the Poconos, twice, to a Washington D.C., to Gettysburg and there is so many more adventures in there. I never could have fathomed being able to do any of that. Yet I am proud to say I have done that and so much more.
I have seen and done so many things, and met so many people over the course of that two years. I am blessed and thankful for it all. I’ve seen first hand what fear can do to us and our lives and I know for us to get through the fear we have to walk through it. We can pray for all the strength in the world by only we can act upon the opportunities presented to us. Only we can act courageous in the face of fear. Many will supposed and encourage us but it’s up to us to act. Not everyone will understand our new journeys because they only knew us as the old us. Yet we become something so much more.
My journey has shown me that if I can do it anyone can do it. Two years ago I set off on an epic journey to change my world and I am so glad to have done so. I look forward to where I will go tomorrow.
That pic was a year ago, I have lost even more weight and finally am at a place where I love the way I look, and don’t hate to have picture taken.
Here is what I look like today.
I’m creating a life I am proud of an can look back upon and smile. It’s not been easy and has challenged me in many ways. I know how eat it can be to just want to give up and run away. How the depression dark thoughts I have fought can still have a tendency to creep up on me and want to consume me. But I keep my head up, and keep the energy going, and keep moving forward to better things. And this time, the depression doesn’t win. It didn’t have power over me anymore. I don’t give it any. I don’t give in to it.
I live life.
This journey I have been on has been an incredible journey as it has taught me and shown me so much. I have been so thankful for it all. For every step I have taken. For every person that has come into my life from it. Whether they were just to teach me one thing or to stay for a longer part of my journey. I am thankful for all of it. I have been able to grow so much from it all.
One of the biggest blessings was one I never really thought of or expected and that was coming into my own self. Coming into being me and being confidant and happy with myself and how I am. Most would call the way I was living as being shy, and I guess I’m some ways that was true. The bigger picture was more that I was not confident or trusting in myself. I was not strong within myself as a being so I would just be meek and timid in life and I lived a life reflecting such attitudes.
During this journey I have learned so much about myself, and what I am capable of doing, things I never even would have dreamed of, which has helped me believe in myself. As such it helps me speak more truthfully to how I feel and what I want out of life. Instead of in the past not saying things, or getting involved, I now speak my mind. Instead of just rolling over. It is so very liberating to be able to do that. To not be so concerned with what others will say, or even if they will agree with me, but to still be able to express myself and voice my opinions. I spent so long not speaking my truth, it is great to finally be able to speak at all.
For so long I kept myself from the world and was not really living in the world. I was merely just a shadow, a part of it. It is so nice to actually be standing within the world and experiencing it. As if it is the first time doing so. When I first started this journey I was so afraid, so unsure of myself. What I wanted and how I would get there. I was conflicted and confused. Afraid of what others would think of me. Not wanting to say things or even speak up. Even when I started this blog I confined myself to what I was going to say on it and who I shared it with. Now I move more freely with it speaking of things I love, such as oracle cards, crystals, energy healing, and to even spirits, and angels. It is freeing to be me. To speak my mind. And the greatest thing of it all? Finding and interacting with people that are like minded to me, who share similar beliefs and ideas, and love to hear what I have to say and just get me.
I never cease to be amazed at the people I meet, at the places I have been and seen. I’ve had incredible conversations with so many people. To see and know how incredibly fortunate and lucky I truly am. How glad I am for all of it. The good. The bad. The heartbreak. It was all needed and important to get me to where I am today. And now I know that so much more is out there. I have only scratched the surface to what this world is about and has. I happily look forward to where it will take me.
Yesterday was a good day. After that realization I had about innocence and enjoying what I did, like I did in childhood. I felt really good. Really peaceful. Really happy and loving towards myself. Something I had not really had. I felt so much love. It was amazing. I felt really good. I felt so clear and at ease with myself and it was amazing.
Life, and my life in particular, has not been an easy journey for me. It has been full of hardships, loss, and lots and lots of anxiety. For a person with an anxious mind we have a tendency to fixate on things and they end up burrowing into our minds to the point where we can not stop thinking about them. It’s a curse at times. I can go out into a parking lot after shopping and it remember where I parked. But that time you said something about me, oh I remember that. Life is funny that way. And if you didn’t laugh at life. It would eat you alive.
This was the case for me last night as someone said to be, about not being sure I was being serious or not. For that is also my curse. My humor, while hilariously hilarious, also causes people to think I am not a serious person. Ever. Contrary to my own popular belief. Can you believe that? I know right. Now I have heard this many a time in my life. Yet for some reason, this time it really stuck to me. I’m sure it’s not the first time that’s happened. It’s just now I am more aware of my thoughts and feelings. And instinctively it made me start to feel bad about myself. That there was something wrong with me. I’m not a good person. Etc, etc. It started to just fester and fester into my mind. What is wrong with me? I need to change. Be someone else. On and on it went. I even woke up this morning still thinking about it. The anxious mind. Is a crazy place to be.
I was feeling so good about myself. So at peace with myself. I did not want this to take me back down a path I did not want to be. I did not want this to clog up my energy system and close me down. So I did the only thing I could. I worked to let it go. I sat in meditation and grounded myself and allowed it to let go out of me and into the earth to be recycled. I breathed in loving energies and light, and breathed out negativity. It was really starting to help.
So I then knew I did not want to hold on to it. So I called in the Archangels, Raphael, Michael, Gabriel, and Chamuel. To release it from me and bring back the love into me. While I was meditating and allowing them to work on me, I could feel peace return to me. My mind was getting still and I was calming. I could then, hear their wisdom coming though about this situation. And this is what it was about that they spoke to me.
“Loving our flaws. These flaws and quirks are what makes us unique. What makes us who we are.”
It made me smile, as I understood it now. I understood myself more. I did not have to feel bad about myself. I did not need to reject a part of me. I knew I am unique and I can be proud about that. I can love myself for who I am. And smile. I thanked the Archangels for their wisdom and love. I also thanked those who helped me learn this lesson by playing their part in it all.
I then decided to pull an oracle card for extra wisdom for the day. Today is feast of the Archangels so I pulled from my Archangel Deck, by Doreen Virtue. I pulled Archangel Oracle. He message is right on with what they told me. So I smiled and thanked them once more. I love when things line up that way.
This post is different than what I normally post about but I could not leave out a part of it. Its message needed to be shared. And I am just the messenger sharing it. We all can be. If we choose to stop and listen.
It’s been four days since my Reiki attunment and the things it is helping me with and clearing out and bringing to the surface has been so incredible. As well as thought provoking and eye opening. Energy healing truly is powerful stuff. More so when I have gotten myself to a place to being open to it helping and changing my life. When I first got attuned to it I was not open to it. So it could not truly help me. Fully.
Naturally these energies that are swirling around within me, moving things out, and rising up within me, have my thinking about a more pure, innocent time in my life. When I was free to be myself and live my own life. Over the years I lost that joy and innocence. I went from believing in myself and not caring about what the world thought of me, and wanting me to be, to being stuck in pilot over what the world thought about me. We spend the vast majority of our lives being whom we are told to me, and not what we are meant to be. Or even who we want to be. We spend all our time and energy pleasing everyone else we stop listening to ourselves to please us. We end up thinking and feeling it’s selfish to take care of ourselves. The thing we tell ourselves.
Naturally when we stop listening to ourselves we lose that spark and that passion for life. Such was the case for me. I remember a time, vaguely that is, when one of the things I loved, believe it or not, was long division. I remember being really good at it, and could solve those problems very quickly. I used to race the students in my class, and even the teacher. And being the first one to solve the problem. Back then I did not care about anything else when I was doing those problems. Did not care if I would be good enough, or fast enough. I believed in myself. I trusted and listened to myself. Something I would forget along the way of my life. It brought me so much joy to do long division. So much passion and love.
Eventually I would move to a different town and a different school. Where I would try to show my abilities with long division, and he told that my handwriting was too sloppy when I wrote and to slow down. In one swift move I would lose that spark, that innocence, and that joy. After that incidence I never really enjoyed math again. I allowed someone else to dictate my happiness, my feelings, and control how I do things. I allowed them to take my power away and rob me of my innocence. Sadly it would not be the last time that would happen in life.
So that is what Reiki is helping me to do again. Helping me to get back to that state of joy, that state of innocence and bliss. Where I believe in myself and trust myself. Even love myself and what I can do. I have been reminded of that state. Of what it is and was like to be in that awareness of being. To embrace my own way of being and living. Instead of someone else’s way.
I am finding that now. I am finding that love, that bliss, and belief in myself. And for the first time since a child I am finding that passion and love for what I do and will do. It has been an incredible journey that has been so eye opening and transformative that I am beyond grateful for and thankful for. I now know deep down there is so much more to myself and living. I just forgot what I already knew. As most of us do.
It’s my time to be me. To live my own life. Free of what others tell me. I will make mistakes. I will fall down. But more importantly I will try and I will do it my own way now.
It’s my life. And it’s worth living.
One of the things I never expected with healing myself and with Reiki was that it would cause me to confront myself. It would cause me to take a very hard and good look at myself. Something I would never do. I never realized how many walls I put up, how deep the rabbit hole went within myself, or even how many inner demons I would have and would eventually have to face. If I were to have my life back. I never realized how many inner demons were preventing me from having a truly happy and abundant life. I guess somewhere along the lines I got it within myself that I was not worthy of that. I was. I not worthy of love or of happiness or doing something I truly loved and was passionate about.
Working on myself with crystals and going deeper within myself with Reiki and crystal bowls, has really cut through the murk and the gunk within me to really help me to see. To truly see myself. For the first time. To see that wounded self is so raw and so empowering in the sense that this person can be so much more if it is loved and taken care of. Something we seldom do. We get beat down and we end up leaving ourselves there. I know I did, and I’m sure I am not the only one.
As I am still feeling the energies of reiki from my attunment yesterday and while I was out driving today, I started to think about life and its harshness and how, well at times it does basically suck… But that it is a great thing. It provides us with so much growth and learning and understanding. It helps guide us, if we allow it, to become something great. More than we ever could have thought or dreamed. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not easy. And for some they can be so broken down, that they never recover in this life. I was one of those people myself. I am thankful to be where I am now. It was not easy and at times I almost did not make it here. There is great beauty and joy within this world and in living. We are all like little lumps of coal trying to become diamonds. And when we do, do we shine brilliantly.
There is a Buddhist teaching that I have always loved, “Life is painful. Suffering is optional.” It is so true. There is going to be painful moments in our lives. Losing a job, someone we loved breaks up with us, or we lose a loved one to death. Yet from those ashes we can be reborn into something truly remarkable if we allow it to help us grow.
Most of the harshness of life is the result of us and the way that we treat each other. Perhaps if we can understand the nature of ourselves and our growth and learning, maybe we can learn to be more accepting and encouraging to each other in their journeys. To help build them up instead of tear them down. For chances are, we’ve been in similar shoes, and know how painful things can truly be. Great compassion can arise when we can relate to another and what they go through. Perhaps if more love and hugs was shown and given we may just see that things will be alright in the end. Loving ourselves and another can go a long way in our and their lives.
Look at that. This is my third blog post this week. In bowling they would call that a Turkey. Gobble gobble… Hmm. I think I made that joke before. Poor form chap. 50 points from Gryffindor. And 25 from Slytherin, just because.
Being true to you. Is something I have struggled with for some time in my life. More aptly being who I choose to be. For so long I was always trying to be who I thought I should be or who others said I should be, or even tried to be who they wanted me to be. Sadly that is how life becomes for us. We lose who we are. We lose sight of what we wanted to do or be in life and we just life an empty shell of existence trying to please everyone else except our selves. Why is it so hard to do something for ourselves? Why is it we would rather put others needs over our own? Do we find it selfish to take care of us? I think for many of us we do think it would be selfish to give ourselves some attention. What I do know is not being true to us robs us of some of our happiness.
That was true for me. I had spent so long trying to be someone I wasn’t that I stopped being who I was and was miserable the whole time. Even worse you start to hate those who changed you and deep down that hate ends up getting turned on us. We start to hate us and who we become.
It was not until I started to embrace myself and what I loved and enjoyed did I start to find that happiness within myself. It was not easy to embrace myself. As I had lived so long in that fear of being me that I was afraid of being rejected or ridiculed for my beliefs, or because I have more shirts with nerdy graphics on them, like Transformers or duck tales, than shirts that are plain. We spend so much time trying to conform and fit in that we are willing to give up ourselves and our identities in the process.
It can be scary being true to us in a society that wants us to conform. Where it wants us to be who they think we should be regardless of what we want to be. After all how many work in a job or field they do not truly want to be in? I know I have. It can be scary going against the grain so to speak. Standing up for yourself and speaking ones own truth. I struggled with that a few times with this blog and wondering what I should post about. Should I not mention that I took Reiki sessions, or that I do Oracle card readings for others, and am apparently pretty good at it. Then I realize st the end of the day. The only person I have to please the most and live with, is myself. I have to live with my decisions and actions. It is me that stares back when I look into the mirror and it is my life. I choose to be happy now. I choose to life my own life. The one I can look back in fondly and smile.
Who knows it may catch on and others may too choose to live their own lives for a change.
Perhaps if we all took that time to be who we choose to, we may love ourselves a little bit more. Perhaps if we loved ourselves fully we would be nicer to others and not lash out at them. Can we hurt another if we truly loved ourselves? If you are fully of love how can you purposely attack another? Perhaps if we loved ourselves we would stop the bullying and mean behavior towards another. Perhaps life would be all the sweeter if we lived that way.