This year has been flying by so fast. It’s hard to believe that it is the middle or April already. While the time is flying by, I have not been flying by. I have been pretty silent these past few months. Taking time to myself. Recouping. Growing and learning. 2017 had many, many ups. But it also had things that came crashing down for me. Things did not go the way I thought they should, or hoped. That in itself is a major life lesson. Things don’t always go to plan. Things don’t always go the way you want them to, or think they should. That can be such a hard pill to swallow, but so much peace can come from letting go. Not expecting, and just enjoying. Every moment for what it is. On top of that I had to deal with some health changes within me that caused me to just veg out and just do nothing really.
Now I am starting to slowly return to a normalcy of things. I am starting to get back into the groove of things, and am starting to move again. And it feels great to be up and about and enjoying life again. The other weekend I got out and enjoyed some of the warmer weather and went to Red Bank battlefield, and then to the lake for a little bit. To walk around. Enjoy the sun. And just let loose.
Wow! What a year in the books for me, and hopefully for you as well. It’s crazy to think that 2017 is coming to an end. And 2018 is getting ready to pounce on us. It feels like the year just started, and now, it’s over faster than Christmas break when you are a kid. This year had a lot of firsts for me, and I did things in 2017 that I never thought I would.
It’s been two years since I started my journey of healing my life, and changing everything. I never thought where I am today would be where I would end up. When I started this journey I was alone. Sure, I had a small selection of close friends, but it was just me. This was a journey I had to take. This was something I had to do for myself. I needed to do it. I set out to change my life. I set out to go beyond my anxiety. I set out to go beyond my depression. I set out to live my life and be more than an anxious/depressed person. I was not living up to my potential. I was not living at all. I was existing. I was going through the motions. Day in. Day out. Repeat.
Setting out to heal myself has been such a liberating journey for myself. It’s also been a scary one, and a hard one at times. It’s hard in the sense that to heal ourselves we also need to confront ourselves. Confront the way we have been living. And we have to learn to accept ourselves for who we are. That last part is one of the hardest things we will do.
Accept ourselves. Accept things have happened to us, and are part of our growth and learning. Hopefully we learn from our missteps and stumbles in life. It’s easy to just sit there and wish we did this or that differently. What if we tried harder? What if we were nicer, or funnier, or better looking. What if. What if. There comes a time in our lives that we must accept that what has happened to us. Happened. And perhaps it could not have happened any other way. We can learn, in time, to let go. Many of us, myself included, want to control so much of our lives. That we sometimes forget that much is out of our hands, and all we can do is just enjoy the ride.
My journey has been a powerful journey for myself and has revolved around healing myself from the inside out. Not just with the physical issues I have faced with my body, but with the emotional healing of the mind and spirit.
That was the healing I was not expecting but was the healing I truly needed. Being a male we are told from an early age, that “boys don’t cry.” That we have to be men. And act like men. We have to be tough. This is what society dictates of us men. We have to be rough, rugged, and tough. On the inside, and it’s not OK to have feelings. If you do, just suppress them, and ignore them. As an adult if you tell a kid something he’s going to believe you. So as a kid we are always trying so hard to grow up so fast. We want to be adults. We want to stay up late. We want to do the adult things, whatever they are, we want to do them. So we stop enjoying the things about life that kids enjoy. Do the things kids do and love. If I could have fully understood that being an adult meant getting a job, and paying bills, I would have stayed a kid forever.
It’s been quite a time since I’ve written anything. Yet, my life has been a constant influx of things left and right. As I take myself out further than I could ever imagine. This year has been extremely busy for myself. I have been all over the place. Going here and there. It’s been so busy the year has just blown right on past me. I can hardly believe that the year is winding down already. It seems like the year just started the other day. Yet it’s almost December.
I had no idea where this year was going to take me. I just played it by year and let it take me to where it wanted to take me. And boy, did it take me places. There was so many first in this year. I attend many events and workshops this year. Things I would never have dreamed of attending before. Yet, I did so many, I can’t even keep count of them all. The most surprising of them all is at many of those events I had a table doing card readings for people. Something I never thought I would ever have the courage do to in front of people. Yet this year I did, and many of them I did.
This year has been all about going beyond my limits and trailblazing a life of my dreams. I took the hold of the reigns of my life and just took a ride through the wilds, and held on, and let the sled take me. I think I may have watched Rise of the Guardians one too many times there. Everyone loves the sleigh. For so long I spent my life thinking I couldn’t do this or I couldn’t go there. It was scary and so liberating to prove myself wrong. On what I could and couldn’t do. I tried. I pushed. I struggled at times. I got scared and wanted to quit. But that would have been too easy. I pushed even more. I pushed myself because I knew I could do it. I could step up and take charge so to speak. Living with anxiety for so long, I knew how easy it would be to just run away. To give into fear. To shut down. I knew to do so. Would open that door again. That door out of doing anything. That was not the world I was going back to. That was not the life I was going to live anymore.
I decided to blaze trails I had never blazed before. Do things I never thought I could. Things I didn’t think I was good enough to do. Yet I saw the only one that said I couldn’t, was me. This year saw my getting my own tables at events. As well as sharing tables with a good friend(s). This year has saw me step out of my comfort zone and onto a screen so to speak, and do FB live video in front of many people, where I do love angel card readings for people. Which has now become an every other week thing. I have stepped out even further and this weekend I gave a talk in front of people, about the healing powers of crystals, and connecting with the Angels. I would never have thought of doing such a thing. Not because of a fear of public speaking. Just a fear of myself and being good enough to do that. Yet, I pushed through that fear. Even though I wanted to run away and not even attend that event. Yet I went, and did the talk, and people enjoyed that, and would love to see more in the talk. Which now opens more doors for me to doing a longer talk. All because I chose to live the life I choose to live. I choose to blaze my own life. To whatever I wanted to do. And it has been an incredible journey to so many new things and people.
I look forward to where life can take me. What I can do next. Because so many doors are finally opening for me, and it feels incredible. I will be giving that talk again next month, and this time, I will be more at ease at it, and I will have much more to say. Because there is much for me to say and share. And I look forward to doing so.
If you have not seen the FB page, you can check it out, and see past videos, as well as upcoming events I will be at.
In the USA this week is Thanksgiving, and I have so much to be thankful for. This has been an incredible year for me. I plan to make next year even more so.
This weekend was an action packed weekend for me. I was busy all weekend with events both days, and events on top of events. I am very exhausted and ready to sleep for a week. This weekend I was helping my friends who own a shop, On Angel’s Wings in Bordentown, NJ, with their Cranberry Fest. Which was vendors set up along the street, selling their wares, and goods. I was there helping them run their table, and at the same time doing Angel Card readings alongside them. The event was two days, and would be from 11-5 AM. An all day event. It was estimated that hundreds if not thousand people would visit this event. THAT is a lot of people. So naturally my nerves were a little high.
Not really in being at the event, or being out. Surprisingly I was not really nervous about being out all day like that. I have come so far, and gone through so many adventures, it has helped me in being more comfortable in being out in public, and at events. I was nervous about how many readings could happen, and if I was ready for such an amount of people. Of course, I also sell myself short, being my own worst enemy at times, and in me thinking I couldn’t do it. That ego mind certainly likes to sabotage us all in our pursuits of happiness.
So naturally I was not going to allow my fears, anxieties, and insecurities get the better of me, and prevent me from stepping out of my comfort zone. I did the only thing I could do, use my Reiki healing, to help soothe my emotions, ground myself out, and bring in calming energy to my solar plexus, and heart, and bring in that calm serenity. And I did just that. I pulled out the anxiety/fear, and brought in calming, cooling energy, with the help of Archangel Raphael, and within minutes my anxiety was diminished, and I could become more relaxed, and serene, and ready for the day ahead of me. I was not even upset that I had to walk far because there was not much parking there at that point.
Once there I was ready and able to jump into helping them run their table for the day, and setting up, and walking around enjoying the festival as much as I can. The energy was intense there from all the people. At times it seemed like you would get swept up in the sea of people. Eventually I could get over my fears of this public event, and get myself into doing a few readings. Then when the event was over, I made it to my sister-in-laws parents house, for a birthday party for my niece. I didn’t even hesitate or think twice about going there and being there with all these family members.
I was even able to return the next day, and do even more readings. I was able to overcome my fears and anxieties about this event with the help of Reiki. I am constantly blown away by what Reiki can do, and help me with. I experience more and more with it, all the time, and I am truly only scratching the surface of this incredible healing modality.
If you would have told me two years ago I would be at a huge public event doing card readings for people, I would have never believed you. I would have thought you got bopped in the head. Yet, here I am, two years later, doing just that. And now I am looking at venues to get out there and do even more card readings. To really get myself out there. I am truly blown away by how far I have come over the past two years. When I set out back then, I had been planning on taking my first vacation in over a decade. I was so afraid of taking it. In that span of two years, I have managed to go to the Poconos twice, Washington D.C. once, and to Gettysburg. Four vacations in two years, and I can’t wait to see where I go next. Life has changed so much for me, and I am so thrilled to see how far I have come. And look to what I will do next. Because it will amaze me even more.
So stop making excuses. If you want a better life. Get out there and start working at it. It will be lot of hard work. There will be plenty of changes you will have to make. You will stumble. You will fall. You will cry. And you will get frustrated and scared, and want to quit. But I tell you what, you can push through all of that. You can get to the other side. You can have the life you’ve dreamed of, and even more than you ever thought. Life doesn’t always give us what we want. It gives us what we need. We learn. We grow. We better ourselves. We keep moving forward.
It has been a while since I have written anything on this blog. Yet it’s not for a lack of not going anywhere or doing anything. In fact, I have been all over the place these days, and have been really busy. I’m loving every moment of it. I just have not had much to write about and also have not had the time to really sit down and write.
Lately I have been doing some introspection on myself as I do that quite a lot. This journey, and this blog, have been about the healing of my life, and changing it for the better. The other day I was having some quiet time to myself and really just pondering on my life, my journey, how far I have come, and in letting go of things that no longer serve my highest good. And in letting go of those things, I was learning to empower myself. Which is what those experiences have been for me. They have been lessons that have taught me so much. Albeit many of them were painful, they still helped me become the person I am today. Through it all I have come to love myself for the first time, in my life. In doing so I have also come to the realization that, “it is OK to be me.” When I came to that, I was taken aback, at how powerful it is, yet how simple it is.
I have come to see that much of my life I had become a conformer to those around me who influenced me in not so positive ways. They were people that brought me down, whether they were intentional or not, they succeeded in causing me to become someone I wasn’t, but I thought I was. These were people that came in all shapes and sizes in my life, from school teachers, to relationships, to “friends” over the years. Random people on Internet forums. All telling me how things should be, or how I should do things, or how I should react to them. When you don’t know any better, you start to believe them. It lowers your self esteem and you start to doubt yourself and your abilities. Their way of being becomes yours, and you basically become defeated, wounded, and in many cases defeated. You no longer cease to exist how you were created, but become this Frankenstein creation of their design.
I will be the first to tell you, it’s not a good way of living. Yet it becomes our only way of living because we think it’s right. Because they told us it was. We hardly ever stop and think, well maybe they were wrong. For many of us that become wounded, we are not strong enough to stand up to them and stand firm within ourselves. At the time, I did not. I just shied away, and shut down. Building up wall, after wall, to protect myself, without even really realizing I was doing it.
I could have chosen to accept their reality was the only way to be. I could have chosen to stay that way. And lived their life. Miserable in the process. Shut down and defeated. (You probably would not be reading this blog right now if I did.) Or I could have set out to change everything and be so much more than I could have ever imagined. I chose the latter. I chose a better life. It was not easy. It has been a roller coaster of a journey over the past two years and I have loved every moment of it. I chose to heal my life. I choose to work at myself. I chose to really look at myself, the way I was living, and really work to make changes. To heal. To free myself of the shackles I was wearing. I had to do it. I had to put in the work. I had to actively do it. I had to actively work at it. I had to hammer away at the walls I had created. Brick by brick. Piece by piece. In time they slowly came down. I opened up more. I become more than I thought I was.
In that process I have learned one big truth of life. That it is OK to be me. It’s OK to like what I like. It’s OK to do what I do. It’s OK to be me. I am a beautiful person, inside and out. I don’t need to conform or settle. When you listen to those who don’t have your best interests at heart it takes you to a place you don’t want to be in, if you allow them to do so. If you give them that power over you. They have no power over us until we give it to them. When we stay strong in our own lights, in ourselves, we see our own worth and what we deserve. And we deserve great things. I am so grateful for those that I have met on this journey, good and bad. It was those “bad” ones that showed me what I don’t want from people. Those good ones helped me to see myself for who I truly was. When I could no longer see it within myself. I am forever thankful for them. They helped find me when I had gotten so lost in life. They were earth angels sent to bring me home. I am glad to finally be home. Now I know my worth. I know what I deserve and now I don’t settle for anything less than that.
Now I work through forgiving those who inadvertently took my light from me, and forgive myself for putting myself in that place. It was all learning and it was all to help me become the person I am today. Now my light is bright and it shines out to all to see.