Tonight was an outing that was different than what I normally do for my weekly adventures. This time it was a family birthday party. And it was a public place, that was outside. So not only would I be going out, there would be other people there. People I don’t really know, or even how many would be there. The idea of this in the past would be enough to create so much anxiety, that I would think about various ways to get out of it. Now with the way my life has been, how much I have improved my health, and the way I am changing my whole life, I was able to go out to a birthday party with family, and their friends, and go out and enjoy myself. Something I would not be able to do before. If I did do it, I was suffering quietly on the inside. The one thing about anxiety/panic is that we suffered while you didn’t even know it. We wondered how long we would be there, and more aptly, how long do we feel obligated to stay there before we can escape from this place and never come back. It’s even worse when it’s loved ones as you feel like you are letting them down. Being a disappointment to them. We already suffer with worry with what others think of us, now we are making it worse for ourselves.
Tonight was not like that. Tonight was different. Tonight I had freedom. I got to live. I got to spend some time with my family, and I went outside in the process. I went to Woodford Cedar Run Wildlife Refuge, in Medford. (That title is a mouthful.) I did not have to leave early. I was not checking my watch and counting down the minutes. Yes, I have done that. When I went on vacation years ago with family, I was counting the time down until I got home. That’s how bad I was living in the past. It was a horrible time for me. So now to be able to do this, to go out, to enjoy myself. It is incredible. I am loving every moment of it. I got to see some frogs, and some birds.. Lots, and lots of birds. My favorite was the Falcon, Artemis. I am a mythology geek. I never thought I would be able to go to a place like this, to go on a nature hike with people, walk around, look at animals, sit around a fire, and enjoy myself. To have fun. To be happy. I never would have thought it was possible to be happy. I am glad the universe proved me so wrong with that one. So wrong.
I will say I was disappointed that all the animals were in caged in enclosures, I was so hoping to see the animals out in the wilds. Like Pokemon.. I suppose it’s not too bad. Since they had some snakes there. I would have probably passed out had I come across one of those in the wild.
This post.. Has no puns in it. That’s not puny at all.
Boom! Nailed it.
This week marks the 8th week of going out and about. Which means I have been doing this for two months now. That in itself is a huge milestone for me and a big accomplishment. Something I never though I would ever accomplish or do. This is all new territory for me. Literally and metaphorically.
Even though this day was raining this morning some, I did not let that deter me from going out. This week I would go out and visit Batsto Village in Hammonton, NJ. There was a nice trail out there through the village. Where you could walk around and look at the old mill, and workers homes from back in the day. Many of the places were open and you could look around. I snagged a good amount of pictures there. Viewing history. I am glad that I did buy that new camera. It has been put to good use. I was surprised that there were many people out there checking it out, the rain did not stop them either.
Life sure seemed pretty miserable back then. I mean look at all those village rules. What exactly is unnecessary talking, or noise of any sort? Like is belching an unnecessary noise, what about farting? What if I had beans and a Taco for lunch and I can’t help myself? I must know the answers to these questions. 2.00 a month rent for a home. Man, oh man. That must have been nice. I can’t even buy a pack of gum for that amount of money.
I am kind of digging this buggy. It looks really quaint and a fun way to get around town. Well until you are up wind of the horse and the horse breaks wind on you. Would that also be an unnecessary noise, or are horse exempt from such Tom Foolery? Two farts jokes in one blog post. I really am breaking all types of records with myself in life. I’ve accomplished so much. And now it’s all going into the toilet.
It was a nice little trip and visit, and of course on my way home it cleared up and stopped raining. Always how it is.
For some people one of the hardest things to do is to accept yourself exactly how you are. We have grown up in a society that puts a certain life style a certain look ahead of others. When we do this we place them on to a pedestal that in most cases we can never be. We compare ourselves to what others have and how they look.
For those that are not on that pedestal we see ourselves as being flawed. We feel we are not good looking enough. We don’t make enough money. Eventually we start telling us that we are not good enough. We slowly start to despise and hate ourselves. We find it hard to even look at ourselves in the mirror because we detest what we feel we have become.
I can speak from personal experience of looking at someone else life and wanting and dreaming of having a different life. I can even recall spending countless hours praying for something else and then feeling forsaken because of not receiving it.
Growing up my whole life I have always fought with stomach disorders. I have seen that disorder become a major part of my life as well as a major part of relationships. For some it can be hard to be in a relationship with one that is unable to do certain things. When we go through turbulent times from heart break or down on our luck it becomes natural for us to either fight it or run from it.
Growing up I always found it easier to run from it. Why address it head on? Why bring on more pain? We can always just escape our lives or our realities if we want to. What I didn’t know at the time was that no matter how hard I wanted to run and how far I wanted to go. There was nowhere to run to that was away from myself. For wherever I went I was still there. We can only ignore something for so long before it eventually catches up to us.
For me that catching up was the realization that my life was not a happy one. I had always hoped that if I ignored life then life would ignore me. Unfortunately life is going to happen regardless if we want it to or not. I had always hoped that I could change who I was and be someone else. Reality was I could only be this one person; the person who I am.
The biggest moment of peace came to me when I had the realization that this is who I am and there was no changing that. The acceptance of me as who I am as an individual was the start of inner peace and happiness.
The acceptance of ourselves as who we are does not mean we cannot become something more. Those, like myself, that do not have the best health at times. We can seek out treatment and ways to live a better life. We just have the inner peace of mind with knowing that while we do look for treatment even if we cannot find any treatment that we are great just the way we are with knowing that this is a part of us. Will it always be a part of us? Only time can tell the answer to that question.