Wow! What a year in the books for me, and hopefully for you as well. It’s crazy to think that 2017 is coming to an end. And 2018 is getting ready to pounce on us. It feels like the year just started, and now, it’s over faster than Christmas break when you are a kid. This year had a lot of firsts for me, and I did things in 2017 that I never thought I would.
It’s been two years since I started my journey of healing my life, and changing everything. I never thought where I am today would be where I would end up. When I started this journey I was alone. Sure, I had a small selection of close friends, but it was just me. This was a journey I had to take. This was something I had to do for myself. I needed to do it. I set out to change my life. I set out to go beyond my anxiety. I set out to go beyond my depression. I set out to live my life and be more than an anxious/depressed person. I was not living up to my potential. I was not living at all. I was existing. I was going through the motions. Day in. Day out. Repeat.
This weekend was a very busy weekend for me. In fact this past week had me doing something every single night. This past Saturday say me attending a Paranormal event at Whitehall Mansion in Fieldsboro NJ. I would be sharing a table with a friend, doing Angel card readings. The event was scheduled from 10am to 6PM. An all day event, with us set to get there at 8:30 AM, it was set to be a long, long day.
Except this day would start a little different than the past few days, and weeks have been for me. This day would start with a terrible anxiety attack. Something of the likes I had not felt in a year and a half. This attack was quite terrible, and I almost felt like the old me. Where I was so wanting to just run away, not even go to the event. This was that strong. Over the past year and a half, or so, since I started this adventuring, I had to keep pushing myself. I knew if I were to retreat, as tempted as I was many times, it would set a trend that would keep repeating. I would use it as a way “out” if I wanted to. And in doing that, I would start doing that more and more. I kept pushing. No matter how scary it was. I kept pushing. Further and further. I could not allow this to be any different. I had to dig deep within myself to muster up the strength to go.
Go I went. I pushed myself to travel to this place, which luckily was only thirty minutes away. While driving there, I did the only thing I could think of. Use my Reiki on myself to calm my emotions, calm my energy, and soothe the anxiety. I placed my hand on my solar plexus, and the other on the steering wheel, or crashing my car would have opened a whole other can of worms for me, anxiety being the least of my concerns. Of course I could have asked Jesus to take the wheel, but people look at you all scared like if you are driving with no hands on the wheel. I then opened up to the Reiki energy to flow through me, and into me, and let Reiki do it’s magic… And I was blown away by the Reiki. That in a few short minutes my body started to relax, my anxiety start to calm itself, and in minutes I was feeling alive again, and back to being the person I had become. I kept my hand there on my solar plexus, and on the heart center, and kept the energy flowing for most of the trip to where I was going. And I felt great after I was done sending Reiki. I was calm, relaxed, and ready to take on the day ahead of me.
After arriving my friend that was going there, told me they were having a lot of anxiety, that morning. Which was the anxiety I was feeling. Being an empath, like I am, I pick up on other peoples feelings and emotions. Which helped me to understand why I was having this anxiety so out of the blue. I am starting to understand myself more and more, as I heal and open up. I am learning so much about myself. Being an empath my whole life, I probably suffered through many anxiety attacks, or random depression, that was not mine. I was just picking it up. Long before I learned to shield and ground those energies.
There was a lot of energy at this place, not just from the people, but the building itself. As the building dates back to the 1700’s, and is very active. I walked through it, on a tour, and picked up/sensed the energy of spirit in there. A few of them. Children running up the steps. A lady, in an old fashioned dress, and an ol’ time gangster/mobster that hangs down in the bar. It was a fun day, a few readings were had, and the anxiety did not return. I was able to enjoy the day, and myself.
I am always amazed at what Reiki can do, the healing it can bring to us. And I have only scratched the surface of energy healing, and what it can bring to us. I look forward to where it will take me, and more adventures to go on.
Yesterday, while glancing the internet, I was sadddened to learn about the loss the music industry received when it was revealed that Linkin Park frontman, Chester Bennington, had been found dead, from apparent suicide.
It is always truly heartbreaking to see someone take their life. I know first hand how bad depression can be, and to be in a place where I have wanted to take my own life numerous times. Reiki and energy healing really helped change my life and turn all that around for me, to a place of real and lasting happiness.
It then becomes more heartbreaking as most families and friends know nothing about the struggles we face, and when they do know about it, it’s usually way to late. So someone asked me, “Sad to hear that.. Why do you think this happens with out family realizing somethings wrong” I replied to them many who are depressed put on a false face, where they project a look of being happy, without actually being happy. Some don’t want others to be burdened with their pain or suffering. They don’t want their pity, and so keep it to themselves. And for a vast majority they don’t feel like they have anyone that’s really listening to them. They have a tendency to feel alone with it, even though they may not truly be alone. To them they are.
My struggle over the years was always a silent one, I didn’t really talk to people about it. It was always my burden to bare. I also did not want anyone’s pity. To me when that happens you start to feel guilty about the way you feel and act, and that just sends us further down the hole we are in. Or worse they tell us to “suck it up.” To others our struggles may not seem like a thing, but to us, they are huge. They are real. So we keep them to ourselves.
That’s not to say there is nothing you can do for those who are struggling. There is plenty to do for us. Being there for us and just listen to us. Listen to us ramble, listen to us complain. Hold that space of love and light for us. Because we are not seeing it within ourselves. We need that light to be there to remind us of what we already have within us, that we have forgotten. We don’t want to be told we are wrong, or that we shouldn’t feel that way, for many we already know that, but we can’t always help it, because we feel defeated. We are tired, and run down, from being strong all the time. So listen to us, don’t tell us how we are wrong, we hate that, we want to be heard, and loved. Because in those moments, we don’t love ourselves. To us all we see is what is wrong with us and our lives, we need to be shown and felt what is right. We need your patience, and support, and encouragement. To help us get ourselves back on our feet again. We have to find that light, and that spark within ourselves.
Finding that spark is a journey within itself. It’s not an easy one. It will be hard at times, and will really push us from the edges, back to the other edge, before we come out to the other side again. That in itself can be scary. Change always is. I struggled with depression, and even wanting to end it, for a long, long time. There was a lot within myself that needed to be changed. For there was a lot of healing that needed to be done. Those wounds within me, were still bleeding. I may not have shown it, or even saw it, but they were there, within me. I had to find the healing I needed, to come back from the edge of the void I was living at. I had to make that choice and decision that I wanted, no I needed to, heal my life. I had to truly want it. I had to come to the realization that what I was doing, the way I was living, was not working for me anymore. I needed more from life. It wasn’t life that had failed me, I had failed life, for I was not living. I was just existing in life.
It was energy healing and healing myself through using crystals, and Reiki, and crystal bowls, that really helped me open up, and change my life. Which helped bring me to people that were there for me, supportive of me, and able to see the spark within myself that I no longer saw, that really helped me find my way out of the darkness, and into the light, and no longer look back. This journey has been an incredible one. I have learned so much about myself, what I am capable of, and am now a person so drastically different than I was before I set out two years ago to change my life.
Change can be scary but it can be so incredible if we allow the chaos of it and allow ourselves to be more than we ever imagined. We are incredible beings capable of incredible things. We just forgot that along the way. The more we believe in and trust in ourselves the more our lives can truly change for the better. All it takes is us truly wanting to change. To live a better life. And then just enjoy the ride.
We all deserve happiness and we are all capable of being happy. We just have to realize happiness is within us. Not something we have to find outside of us.
(If you are struggling with depression, and suicidal thoughts, reach out to people. Talk to a trained professional. You don’t have to struggle alone. There are many there that can help you. )
Today I have come home from my vacation that I took last weekend. And to my surprise, I survived it, and I did better than I could have ever dreamed. I was able to drive up and back, for 2.5 hours, with no issue, or need to stop. I was able to go out and about the entire time, with one down day because of snow. Each day I went out, I was out for 5 or so hours. So I was out for a good amount of time. Each time feeling better and better. Helping me to feel better and better about each and every experience. There was two times, where out of the blue, I felt a little anxious, for no apparent reason, but they did not last, and allowed me to not have to cancel anything, and continue my trip.
Overall for me this was a great experience. It helped boost my confidence in doing this and creating a better life for myself. It is also helping me open more and more doors in my life to allow more and more things to occur. This was my first vacation in 11 years, and I really loved it. I really want to make this a regular thing. It was great to be out of my comfort zone, as scary a thought as that is, it was great to be out of my home for a change. I am already thinking about more places to get to. A few years ago, even a year ago, I would not have even thought of this as being my reality, and now, here I am, doing this. It feels great. I will not lie. I am becoming a better person, and in time, I will be able to enjoy life. And all that it has to offer me. And not just hide in the bathroom and my house.
Now all I need is a cute traveling buddy to go places with, so I’m not alone doing it. All you single woman out there, “how YOU doin?” [/Joey Tribbiani] LOL.
Living with anxiety can make some of the smallest things become one of the hardest things ever. For my latest adventure of pushing myself more and more to go out places so I am able to live my life with anxiety. Instead of anxiety living my life for me.
The latest adventure would be going bowling with a friend and my friends friend. This bowling alley would be about thirty minutes away. I opted to drive myself there, alone, as this is easier on me. After getting to the area of where this Brunswick Zone would be it was no longer there and another bowling place was in its place. I had my heart set on going to this Brunswick Zone so we decided to go to another one instead. Which was 30 minutes in the other direction from the thirty minutes I had already driven. So it took about an hour or so of driving to finally reach this place, and to go bowling with my friend.
I am happy to report that this was another success for me. I was able to go out and be out bowling for 4 and a half hours total. Another success. I did make the terrible mistake of leaving my bowling ball in the trunk of my car for 3 years, and found that it has a giant crack in it, and I could not use it. The only downside to this adventure. Perhaps when I start going out more often I will start bowling again, something I love, and can invest in a new ball. It’s crazy how anxiety can take so much from us.
Next weekend I will head up to the mountains for a week in the Poconos. I am very terrified about driving three hours. Being committed into driving like that is so scary for me. As there is nowhere to go once on the road like that. I have driven that far before and know I can do it. Yet, with anxiety and living with it so long, it still makes me nervous and anxious. No matter how many times I have done it. I don’t know if I will ever not feel this way about things. Even writing about it, is making me feel a little anxious. The mind is a great tool and a terrible adversary at times.
I can do this. I do not have to let anxiety control me.
Around these parts today was Valentine’s Day. So if you celebrated it, Happy Valentine’s day… Or for me it was Singles Awareness Day. I celebrated it by taking myself to see Deadpool in the theaters. I’m not embarrassed to say I took myself there. One day perhaps I will take someone with me on a date. One step at a time. Baby steps. Oh, I also survived the movie.