Month: August 2016
Doubt. One of the scariest four letter words I know.. Wait, 5 letter. I’ve never claimed to be good at math. So doubt and math are my Kryptonite. This past weekend I went out of my comfort zone and did something I wouldn’t normally do. That was doing Oracle card readings for people. For those not familiar, Oracle Cards are a form of divination. Yes, this blog, just went there. Life takes you to some interesting places. (There was a time where I would be ashamed to say this, but I am growing more confident in myself, and who I am, that I am no longer hiding myself. And I am all the more happy because of it.) Normally I don’t read for others in public. With dealing with anxiety in the past the idea of doing this with others in the past would have sent me running away.
That anxiety and fear for me, with anything, was mostly because of doubt. It was doubt that I could not do it. I could not make it through it. This would happen. That would happen. I wonder then if a lot of the fears/insecurities that an anxious person faces and feels is because of doubting themselves and of them being good enough. I will have to ponder on that thought for some more. For me in the past it did not matter how many times I did something, I always felt that this time, this one time, would be the time that I wouldn’t be good. I wouldn’t even consider the possibility that I may have done it 10 times in the past.
So now I am in this engagement of doing this, and those doubts and fears start creeping in. Can I do it? Will I be able to? The gears and motors are spinning in my head, and I can see how easy it is to just continue to add to that motion, to add more to those fears. Yet now, after working on myself with Reiki, and this healing journey, I see how I can cut them off. I can not add to them. I see that I do not need to give them fire and fuel. I do not need to allow them to rob me of my peace, and my happiness. I allowed myself to face my fears and overcome my doubts and go out into the world and do what I was intending to do that day. And you know what? Against my brains odds I did go out and do those readings, and I did well with them. I made a choice that day, to either go out there and face my fears or to turn away and hide. I chose to confront them and overcome them, and not allow them to stop me that day. It was a victory and a well earned one.
So many battles I waged in the past where I chose to not confront them and chose to hide. I am not choosing to live my life. This was a victory for myself and it was one well earned. Will those doubts be gone the next time I go out? No, they will not. That will in time diminish and I will grow more confident and stronger in myself and believing in myself. These wounds are deep, as most of them are for someone like me, so I know I have to be gentle with myself and give myself. I have hope now, and I am getting stronger and stronger each day. I am gaining the strength and the courage to face my fears and my demons and I am all the better for it.
It’s been a week since my Reiki session which has allowed me to process what I went through with it, and the things that it brought forth within me. Such is the result of Reiki and working on our own energy system. It has a tendency to rock the boat so to speak. Rocking the boat has always been something I, and most people that have had anxiety, do not ever want to do.
That was one of the epiphanies I had during the past week after my Reiki session. After the session I was feeling a little tender and sensitive as I was adjusting to the changes within my energy system. It then got me to thinking about how closed down I had become in life. How guarded I was and how shut off from the world I was without really fulling realizing it. For me this was always my life for the longest time, my sister tells me from the time I was a kid, going to kindergarten I was an anxious and nervous person. I used to throw huge crying fits, not wanting to go there. Of course in my defense, not many of us truly wanted to go to school. It would get so bad that I would throw up from it all. That part went away for years, but the nervousness and the anxiety always remained with me. For someone like me living like that during those young formative years, you end up doing whatever you can to protect yourself. In my case it was avoiding it. Avoiding all that I could that would upset me, or rile me up. Instead of even trying I would avoid. When we do that we put up walls. I did not allow myself to process and feel, emotions, feelings, energies. It was all too much, too intense for me. I denied myself from feeling. What then happens is I ended up burying it all within my body. It has to go somewhere so instead of letting it out, it went up inwards. Which then added to the problems, and caused me to majorly overindulge in junk food. I was a junk food junkie. I guess it could have been worse, I could have turned to drugs and alcohol.
So during the Reiki session it was no surprise when an energetic hook was removed from my solar plexus, our gut, where we feel. Since I was not feeling anything, it was blocked. Now that it is removed it stirred some things up within me. That being how I was closed down and not processing or feeling things. For so long my automatic response was to avoid, to not feel it. To let the anxiety dictate what I did and where I went. Now I see more clearly the folly of my ways. I now understand that I have to make better choices when faced with anxiety, and anxious situations. That I have to work with those energies, those feelings, and allow them to not consume me, and cause me to run away. I have to release them from me, and allow myself to process all that is in front of me, and allow myself to engage things. It will not be easy to do. For so long I refused to do that. I think for me, I felt that it was the “right” thing to do. To not do. Yet I was so wrong. You become empty by not feeling and facing. When you close off to the world and doing things you end up closing off to others.
It’s like I have been woken up and I am seeing the world for the first time. Life is different now. I am like a child. Creating the life I choose to want to live and be a part of. It feels great. It is scary but it’s exciting at the same time. I was not sure about making this post as it goes into esoteric stuff, such as energy and healing. I was concerned of what others would think or say about what I wrote about. But I understand that this is my blog, and this is about my journey and what has helped me, and I do not want to deny parts of myself anymore. I spent 36 years doing that. I no longer want to do that. I share it in case it could help another out there. Who is sensitive to the energies around them, which is called Empathy. My journey has changed me a lot. It’s caused me to lose faith, to give up all together, and to find myself, and find faith. And better myself. I can not deny myself who I am. Out of fear of judgement. I will not live a life of fear anymore. I am who I am. And I am becoming proud of myself and what I have done and am doing. I am not perfect. I am a work in progress. And I look forward to where my journey takes me. Yesterday I spent 3.5 hours doing Oracle card readings for people. I never saw myself doing that. Yet I did it. And people enjoyed it. Life will take us far if we keep our minds open to the unlimited possibilities.
The Saturday Night Fever edition.
If my math is right, I am at the half way point. I think there is 52 weeks in a year, and if you carry the 2, divide by 16, subtract 13. You.. Um, I have no idea what that would give you. Let’s just say 26. Yeah, 26th week is now under the belt.
It’s wild to think that this weekend will be the last weekend of August. With next weekend being Labor Day weekend. This year has just blown by. I guess when you are busy enjoying yourself and having fun, you don’t even notice the days zipping by. At least now when I look back I can finally say I have accomplished and did something. One of the biggest things about my life was that I had not much to show for it. That can be a depressing thing. Now I am making traction, and making things happen. I have achieved much this year, and am building for an even more exciting 2017. I can not wait to see things come into fruition in my life.
This week has been another action packed week and I would not have it any other way. It stated with Tuesday when I went for a Reiki session. For those that are not aware, Reiki is a form of energy healing, that uses hands on and off to balance the energy system in the body to help the bodies natural healing capabilities to work even better. That was an interesting experience. I have never had a session before. So this was a first. I am open to many things in the pursuit of healing my mind, body, and spirit. I know this will be a life long pursuit, and I am OK with this. I am learning many things, about myself, and about others. And it is bringing new and lovely people into my life. Something I never really had before. That has been such a blessing, and such a wonderful bonus. It has me doing things I never would have thought of, and is helping me gain so much from life. Such as hope and faith. It was a lovely session, I will admit I was a little nervous and anxious before hand, and well, old habits can be very hard to get rid of. So I know this may be a battle that may always exist. I really don’t know what the future will hold for me and my healing. I will take it one day at a time. I am glad that I did not allow my anxiety to cripple me, or cause me to put my head between my legs and high tail it out of there. I am glad that I stuck with it, and got the Reiki session. I felt really good afterwards and the next few days. I was a little sensitive, as energy healing can bring things up to be healed, and as someone that is very sensitive to the energies and the people around him, it can be a little jarring when it is riled up. So after a few days, and a ton of water, I feel much better. I look forward to my next session and continuing my healing journey. That is what this blog and my journey has been about. My healing journey. Trying new things. Going beyond my comfort zone. And embracing the chaos so to speak, instead of allowing it to defeat me.
Thursday was a meetup with some friends, at a place thirty minutes from where I live. We got together and talked, and had great conversation, and many laughs. Always good for the soul. That was another fun night with a great group of people, and I met new people. Another plus.
The weather was much cooler when the week started it dropped down to a cool 80 degree, which allowed me to go running twice this week, for the first time since the fourth of July. Then this weekend it decided to start another heat wave. Putting a sun block on much of what I was going to do today. I did not allow that to limit me too much as I decided to go out to Red Bank Battlefield.. Again. I think this is the 4th time I’ve been there this year. It’s like my new cool hangout. There was a lot of people there. A LOT. Many, if not most, were walking around playing Pokemon Go. Makes you wonder if that was the only reason they went outside today. I suppose if it gets people outside, that is a good thing. Though I think it is increasing people staring at their phones, and not really engaging and interacting with people. I got bored with the game and already deleted it. Since it was bookoo hot out, I tried to stay in the shade and near the water as much as I could. It did help. After being there I took a nice air conditioned car ride, and just enjoyed myself. Being in the moment. No cares or worries in the world. Then I went to cool off some, and then went out to the movies to see Seth Rogen’s Sausage Party… Which sounds kind of perverted saying it out loud. It was not a bad flick. Certainly not something you would want to see with your kids, even the teenagers. That may be a little awkward. Kind of like those parents that took their kids to see Deadpool.
All in all it was another good week. Tomorrow I will be out and about again, as I do some card readings for people. That will be a good chunk of the afternoon. I just recently started doing that, I would never have been able to do such a thing in the past. Life takes you in so many new and exciting places if you allow it.
The Weekend at Bernie’s Edition…
This Summer is blowing by incredibly fast its hard to believe that next weekend is the end of August already, and fall will be soon upon us. Of course I don’t mind that much as I love the cooler weather. Especially since it’s been so hot these past couple weeks making it more challenging for the outside activities I do.
This week I had a bunch of things going on with my birthday being Tuesday, and going to the movies, than dinner with my dad to celebrate my birthday. Then Thursday night I went out with some friends to a diner to get some tea, and have some great conversation. Those night where we do that are becoming some of my favorite nights out. I never thought going for tea could be so much fun. With other people there on top of it. I’m growing up.
Today was another one of those hot days since it was 90 out there, so I decided to make the most of it. I drove an hour to go check out a place that I would be going to this upcoming week. I am going to get a Reiki session done on myself as I work on more healing of myself, and clearing out more baggage from within me. I have known about Reiki as I came across it during my healing journey. This will be the first time I have ever had a session done on myself. I had never been in a place like the one I am in now to be able to do a session but now that I can I am looking forward to it. For those not familiar with Reiki it is, a healing technique based on the principle that the therapist can channel energy into the patient by means of touch, to activate the natural healing processes of the patient’s body and restore physical and emotional well-being. One of the things I have learned during my healing journey was to be open to everything as you never know what could help you better yourself. A lot of my current state of mind has been attributed to holistic stuff, such as mediation. So I look forward to learning and trying something else to see where it will take me. If we keep ourselves open to the possibilities we can go far. Literally.
After checking out that place I went and saw a movie, Kubo and the Two Strings. It was an OK movie. It was really well done. After the movie I was going to go to Applebee’s for dinner but after getting there the line was really long, and I did not feel like waiting as it was already 7 PM, so I decided to just get a salad to take home and enjoy the night. And watch The Money Pit, which I hear is one of the funniest comedies of all time. I will be the judge of that.
I don’t know what it is, or what, but this Geico commercial really makes me laugh.
My journey over the years has taken me to many places, and I have had the pleasure of meeting many people. One thing I have learned is when you face something, and you find the courage and strength to endure and fight it, you can and you will do whatever you can and must to help yourselves. In the process your who reality can become shattered, how you see yourself and how you see the world can and may change. Hopefully for the better. Some people find themselves spiritual and others have a tendency to lose their faith in the process. Life can be harsh and very painful. How we deal and react to it is up to each one of us.
The one thing I have realized is, depression, anxiety, mental health issues, illness, they affect everyone. They do not care if you are rich or poor, if you are male or female, what color skin tone you have, what job you do. It can and it does affect everyone. We all have our struggles and our anxieties that we face and endure in life. Which to me shows how very similar we all are on the inside, something we all seem to forget. When we focus so much in the outside of someone. We really do not know what another is feeling or what they are going through. We must remember that what we meet and encounter someone who may seem like they are jerks, you never know what they are dealing with on the inside, or at home. Most of these battles we do face are silent battles that we don’t talk about or even share with others. We can be secluded like that. We may not mean to, it’s just who we are at times. So be nice to us that kindness may just make our days and even change our lives.
I sometimes wonder one some of the things I share here in this blog and wonder if I should say this, or say that, but I realize now, that my journey as crazy as it may be, may be similar to someone else’s journey and what I say could help hem live a better life. For at the root of this all this blog is about healing life to live and love life, for everyone. Hope is for everyone and available to everyone. As is love. Everyone may not agree with what I say or what I do, and I see now, that is ok. Those that it resonates with and need to hear it, they will, and it will be available to them to do so.
A new day is a clean slate for us. It allows us to create our lives in the way that we choose to. Hope rises each and every day. Today is a new day. Today is also my birthday so it is even more special for me.
Last year I set out to change my days and to change my life. I could never have imagined that this is where I would end up and see that this is only the beginning for me. It has been a wild and fantastic ride. I have had so many firsts in my life over the past year that I could only dream of. Many of those firsts were things I never really thought about, or even things I thought I wanted. I had been living in a dream for so long I never stopped to think what more could be out there. What more could I do? For me there was so much that was in my head as dreams that I never ever even thought to think about those things as being a reality. I never thought I could have and do more in life. Each and every day I prove myself wrong. And I am so thankful and grateful that I do.
So many of us, and I was included in that, see our lives in so much black and white. We see that this is the hand that has been dealt to us, that this is the way we must live. That there is nothing we can do about it. So we must suck it up and accept the reality that we see for ourselves as being the only reality. That this is the only way we can live. We become disillusioned, we lose hope, and we become withdrawn within ourselves and become depressed with life. For the longest time I used to think hope was something we told ourselves to make ourselves feel better about our lives. Like the saying, there is “someone for everyone.” Just fluff to help us sleep better at night. Now I see that hope is so much more. It is that spark that exists within us, and around us, to dream the dream, to go the extra mile in life. To become so much more. We then can become that beacon of hope and change for others. We can light that spark and hold that space of healing and hope for them so they too can bask in all of its glory and they to can change their lives and go on and help change another person’s life. There is no greater gift than helping another live their best life.
So I am very thankful for all that I have done and accomplished over the past year of my life. I have met so many incredible people and I look forward with hope and anticipation to new and exciting things for myself and in watching my dreams become a reality and my life to continue to be so much more than I ever thought was possible.
Thank you to everyone that has read this blog, or liked the page on FB, I thank you for the love, and kindness and support, and I look forward to bigger and better things.
Great things never came from comfort zones. Oh how true this has been for me this past year. Everything we want out of life truly is in the opposite side of fear. Yesterday I he another opportunity to go beyond my comfort zones and do something new. To my surprise I was eager and willing to do it and go beyond my comfort zones. Which really surprised me, besides never thinking I’d be in such a place to do that, but to willingly go beyond what I thought I was capable of doing.
You know what, I actually enjoyed myself and had fun doing it. I’ve always been so introverted and to myself that to go beyond that and interact with others, willingly, was such a pleasant and surprising change of place. And it was all good. It provided me great interactions with others, doing something I never thought I would. I am proud of myself and glad that I did it and did not allow fear to limit me and keep me closed down. We are not meant to live that type of life. We are meant for so much more. It is up to us to choose to live that way. I have come to see and learn that we will be provided with so many opportunities for so much to experience, see, and do, and it is up to us to choose to do them, or choose not to. I’m choosing to finally do them. To live my life. I encourage you all to choose to live better lives. Life the life you pups only dream of. Get out there. Make memories. Enjoy living. You may just enjoy yourself.